Dear Pastor,
I recently listened to you speak in my hometown, and while I enjoyed and was uplifted by the majority of your message, there are two comments that I need to respond to.
I say these things not to tear down, but to build up and encourage in love and kindness.
The first comment came towards the beginning of your message, during a story about your teenage girlfriend, Charmaine. When you dated, she was “FINE.” When you came to Christ, God told you to break up with her, which, of course, was difficult. After your wedding, you saw Charmaine. You implied that Charmaine had gained weight. And you thanked God for subtracting her from your life - implying that a fat person is unattractive and not worthy of marriage.
This comment is hurtful to everyone. Women and men receive countless messages in our society about what their body is supposed to look like. When you include messages against certain body types in the context of a sermon, you are encouraging people to reflect the image of what the world defines as beauty. I do recall you beginning your message with a call to reflect the image of God - not the image of the world.
When you gave this message, the building was packed. The message was streamed online. It may have been recorded and posted online for later viewing. Your message reached many people. Doubtless, some of those people were women and men whom society deems overweight or unattractive. Statistically speaking, a not insignificant portion of the people who heard your message have or will experience an eating disorder in their lifetime. This comment, which implies that fat people are unattractive and unmarriageable, tore those people down. This comment perpetuates society’s standards of beauty and repeats the message of “not good enough.” It is this kind of culture that contributes to our alarmingly high rates of eating disorders. These disorders are prisons. Anorexia nervosa has the highest mortality rate of all mental illness. Your comments contribute to that.
The church should be a place where people are uplifted. Where it doesn’t matter what you look like - you are a child of God and you are loved and that is all that matters. Women who struggle with body image or eating disorders should not have to worry about triggering messages such as the one above when they are worshipping and hearing the Word of God. That message - that fat equals bad - is NOT from God. That is NOT that Word of the Lord. Thus, you as a man of God should NOT be preaching that.
The second comment came in the second portion of your message, in discussion of your wife’s pregnancy. Pregnancy changes your appetite, you said. When we’re pregnant with God’s dream and plan for us, we’re hungry for God, and the things that used to fill us don’t fill us anymore. A wonderful point. And one that could have been demonstrated without the following harmful comment. Your wife was hungrier during her pregnancy. When you and your wife were out to dinner during her pregnancy, you hoped the night might end with some married intimacy. She finished her plate, and what was left of yours after you finished. According to you, she scarfed down the meal, with food dribbling down her chin - “Nah, now I’m turned off,” you said.
A woman’s hunger is unattractive to you. The mention of this comment communicates that women are accountable to you for their attractiveness, that women are to be attractive to you at all times, even when sustaining normal bodily functions. Your message communicates that in order for a woman to be attractive, she must not be human. She must not hunger. She must not eat. She must not desire.
And what a harmful message. It is the God-given nature of humanity to hunger, to fill ourselves with food, to choose food that pleases us, to enjoy the food we eat. God made us to enjoy food. But your comment teaches that this is not the case for women. Women are not to enjoy food. Women should suppress hunger and not enjoy food. Women should ignore and suppress their humanity.
This is a message that, frankly, contributes to female oppression. In this comment, you position yourself as the head and command that woman deny her humanity in order to please you. You command that women live not for herself, but for your pleasure.
Now, you may argue that “that’s not what I meant.” That’s okay. I’m sure you didn’t. I’m sure these things were said as jokes, to lighten the mood. The problem with that is that these jokes are harmful. Maybe you didn’t know that or hadn’t thought about these issues. That’s okay. The point is not to worry about what we did or knew in the past, but to concern ourselves with what we do and what we know now and in the future. Maya Angelou wrote, "I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” That is my concern. That after reading this letter, you will be equipped to improve and build a better world. I come not to chastise in hatred, but to correct in love.
These kinds of comments are hurtful, plain and simple.
As someone who has suffered from an eating disorder, I must react to and call out messages that shame people because of their body size.
As a woman, I must react to messages that imply women are to remain small, silent, and hungerless - that women are to be anything less than fully human.
As a follower of Jesus Christ, I am required to call out injustice and oppression wherever I see it. Comments that shame people for their body type and women for their natural hungers are unjust and oppressive. Christ came to break every chain, and comments like yours keep people in bondage.
Thank you for your time, Pastor.
Sincerely,
A Jesus Feminist in Recovery
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