Pinocchio: Discussion Guide for Parents

Walt Disney Pictures, 1940

Content Warnings:

Disobedience & Lying

Tobacco & Alcohol

Scary scenes - kidnapping, boys turning into donkeys

Before Beginning:

Before beginning, it may be helpful to remind children that this is a pretend story. While it can teach us true lessons, the story itself is not true. 

Pinocchio is often seen as a morality tale against evil. Rather than focusing on fear, Pinocchio's mistakes, and their consequences, I would recommend keeping the focus on forgiveness and redemption. Geppetto and Jiminy Cricket always lovingly support Pinocchio, following after him and encouraging him to choose the right. Remind children that this is the kind of loving care God had towards us (and we should strive to react like Gepetto and Jiminy when our children make mistakes).

Discussion Questions

1. Pinocchio was interrupted on his way to school and chose to follow Honest John and be an actor instead of going to school. Why is going to school important?
2. The Blue Fairy describes a conscience as “something that helps you choose between right and wrong, counsels in moments of temptation, and keeps you on the straight and narrow.” What did Jiminy Cricket do when Pinocchio chose to ignore him? Does your conscience respond the same way?
3. What does it mean to "let your conscience be your guide”? How do you tell the difference between right and wrong, and what do you do if you can't figure it out? 
4. How is Jiminy Cricket similar to or different from the Holy Spirit? 

• Ideas: Both help us know right from wrong. Both will stay with us when we most need them. Jiminy Cricket is visible, but the Holy Spirit is invisible.

5. Pinocchio could have trusted and obeyed his father and Jiminy Cricket, or Honest John and Stromboli. How can we know who to trust and obey?
6. When Pinocchio is first kidnapped, Jiminy wants to tell Geppetto but worries about being "snitchy." What's the difference between being a tattletale and helping a friend in danger?
7. The Blue Fairy said, “A lie keeps growing bigger and bigger until it’s as plain as the nose on your face.” Have you ever told a lie that got bigger and bigger? What happened? How do you feel when other people lie to you? 
8. When Pinocchio didn’t obey his father and Jiminy, he got into some trouble. What kind of things happened?

• Note: This may be an appropriate time to discuss where real-world consequences may differ from those in the film. Assure your children that they will not, in fact, be turned into donkeys. 

9. Pinocchio had many people around to help him - the Blue Fairy, his father, and Jiminy. How did these people react when Pinocchio made mistakes?

• The Blue Fairy forgave Pinocchio and gave him another chance.
• Gepetto loved Pinocchio and went out searching for him. 
• Jiminy always stuck by Pinocchio to help him make better choices. 

10. How is the story of Gepetto and Pinocchio similar to the Plan of Salvation?

• Gepetto created Pinocchio and God made us.
• Gepetto loved Pinocchio very much. God loves us very much.
• Gepetto hoped Pinocchio would make good decisions, and God hopes we will make good choices.
• When the Blue Fairy brought Pinocchio to life, Pinocchio was given the ability to choose how he would act and whether he would obey his father. God gives us agency to choose whether we will obey. 
• Pinocchio made mistakes, just as we make mistakes during our earth life.
• Pinocchio experienced negative consequences when he was disobedient. We, too, experience consequences when we are disobedient. 
• No matter what Pinocchio did, Gepetto kept looking for Pinocchio, hoping he would come home and be brave and honest. No matter what mistakes we make, God is always nearby, hoping that we will repent and turn back to God’s way. 
• At then end of the movie, after Pinocchio had been tested and proved himself, he became a “real boy” (not made out of wood). After we have been tested and proved that we will be faithful, we will become “real,” with a glorified, perfected body. Our new bodies will be different and better, just like Pinocchio’s new body was different and better.  

Scripture Connections

• The Prodigal Father. Luke 15:11-32
• Jonah and the Big Fish. Jonah
• Plan of Salvation. See True to the Faith, “Plan of Salvation” for an overview and scripture references. 
• Education. Dan 1:17; 2 Nephi 9:29, 28:30; Alma 37:35; D&C 88:118, 90:15, 93:36, 93:53, 130:18; See Bible Dictionary, “Education”
• Lying/Honesty. Lev 19:11; Ps 101:7; Proverbs 12:22; Acts 5:4; 2 Cor 8:21, 13:7; Eph 4:25; Phili 4:8; Col 3:9; 2 Nephi 28:8; Alma 27:27; D&C 42:21
• Courage. Alma 53:20
• Integrity. Job 2:3, 27:5, 31:6; Prov 20:7; 1 Nephi 2:10; Alma 24:19, 27:27; D&C 5:22; Joseph Smith History 1:25
• Discernment. 1 Kgs 3:5-15; Isa 11:3; 1 For 12:10; Alma 12:31; 3 Nephi 11:3, 24:18; Ether 4:12; Moro 7:15; D&C 11:13, 101:95
• Tobacco & Alcohol. See “Word of Wisdom,” D&C 89 and footnotes. 

Ideas for Further Study

• Read The Adventures of Pinocchio by Carlo Collodi.
• Learn about Germany at the time of Pinocchio. 
• Research the effects of tobacco and smoking on our bodies. 
• Learn about whales like Monstro.

References

Nancy Davis Kho, “Pinocchio,” Common Sense Media <https://www.commonsensemedia.org/movie-reviews/pinocchio>

Hallelujah

Source: Google Images

Easter. Spring. For as long as I can remember, this time of year has been my favorite. Maybe it's just because my birthday is this time of year - spring is the first thing I knew. Maybe it's Easter eggs and bright colors and cute chicks. Maybe it's the gentle warm breezes that pull us out of a crisp winter. Maybe it's new life and sunshine and redemption and hope and promises.

As a kid, I liked spring. Maybe it was bright colors, or pretty flowers, or buying a new Easter dress. Even when I was in the traps of my eating disorder and bound by heavy depression, I still liked spring.

But when I came back to life, Easter and spring gained a new significance.

Though I began treatment in the fall, I embraced recovery in the spring. 
A year later, I was introduced to the gospel in the spring. 
Another year later, I was baptized, in the spring.


When I found the gospel, I was in the midst of a pretty bad relapse with my addiction and depression. I can remember one afternoon, sitting on the floor in my room, crying and desolate and desperate to just feel okay again. And I thought about the things I'd just head about Jesus Christ and realized - it would be okay. It's wasn't at the time, but it would be. And I would be okay. The gospel gave me permission to hope, something I hadn't done for a long time.

And that's what Easter is all about, to me. Hope. Redemption. Easter means that life can come out of the ashes. It means that like a phoenix, it doesn't matter how crushed our lives are, how much it looks like it's the end. Because of Christ, it doesn't need to be the end. Because of Him, we can ALL find new life.

Hallelujah.

Is This Who We've Waited For?

(source)

Follow the star to a place unexpected,

Would you believe after all we've projected,

A child in a manger?

Lowly and small, the weakest of all,

Unlikeliest hero, wrapped in His mother's shawl,

Just a child -

Is this who we've waited for?

How many kings stepped down from their thrones?

How many lords have abandoned their homes?

How many greats have become the least for me?

How many gods have poured out their hearts,

    to romance a world that is torn all apart?

How many fathers gave up their sons for me?

Bringing our gifts for the newborn Savior,

All that we have, whether costly or meek;

Because we believe.

Gold for His honor and frankincense for his pleasure,

And myrrh for the cross He will suffer.

Do you believe,

Is this who we've waited for?

How many kings stepped down from their thrones?

How many lords have abandoned their homes?

How many greats have become the least for me?

How many gods have poured out their hearts,

     to romance a world that is torn all apart?

How many fathers gave up their sons for me?

"How Many Kings," downhere

"Would you believe after all we've projected a child in a manger? Lowly and small, the weakest of all, unlikeliest hero, wrapped in His mother's shawl, just a child." 

The Old Testament is full of prophecies about this Savior, Messiah, Christ, anointed One, the special person who would come to rescue and deliver the Jews. Grand prophecies, wonderful expectations. But the angels came with songs of a baby, born to a common girl, in the little unknown town of Bethlehem. He was not great. He did not wield political power. He would not overthrow Caesar. 

"Is this who we've waited for?" Is this really the One we've been waiting for? Could it be, just a child? 

He is the King of kings, stepped down from His throne, to be one of us. He's the Lord of lords, who abandoned His home to live among His people. He's the Greatest of greats, who "humbled Himself," and "[had] not where to lay His head" (Philippians 2:8, Matthew 8:20). 

"How many gods have poured out their hearts to romance a world that is torn all apart?"

"The God of the whole earth [has] been slain for the sins of the world" (3 Nephi 11:14)

"Behold the sufferings and death of Him who did no sin" (D&C 45:4)

"How many fathers gave up their sons for me?"

"Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us, 

and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins." (1 John 4:10)

"Bringing our gifts for the newborn Savior, all that we have, whether costly or meek, because we believe." 

Because we believe, bringing our gifts to the infant Savior, in a place unexpected. Gifts of time, gifts or love, gifts of life, gifts of self. "We can, out of faith in Him, give a broken heart and a contrite spirit. We can repent and make sacred covenants with Him. . . . You can give Him the gift of doing for others what He would do for them. . . . Each act of kindness to anyone becomes a kindness to Him . . . With all the kindnesses we give for Him, the greatest we can offer is to point those we love and serve toward Him, the only source of eternal life. The most precious gift I have to give is my witness of the Savior" ("The Gift of a Savior," Pres Eyring, First Presidency Christmas Devotional 2010). 

Is this who we've waited for?

How many kings stepped down from their thrones?

How many lords have abandoned their homes?

How many greats have become the least for me?

How many gods have poured out their hearts,

     to romance a world that is torn all apart?

How many fathers gave up their sons for me?

Is this who we've waited for?

This is. He is the Creator, Sustainer, Stronghold breaker (Meredith Andrews). He is the one who authors salvation, who paid the price of sin, who extends the arm of mercy, who releases us from the chains of darkness, who publishes peace.

This wet, squirmy infant, "wrapped in His mother's shawl," is the magnificent Savior we have been waiting for. 

This is who we've waited for. 

(source)

The Gospel is Made for Us

The principles and patterns of the gospel are given that we may know peace and a fulness of happiness, in eternity, yes, but also here among the trials and afflictions of this life.

Yesterday was a very hard day for a few reasons.
1) I've been having some difficulty lately with my mental illness, and was told on Wednesday by a new professional that she wouldn't be able to help me.
2) Today I had a 10-page paper due, that yesterday was about halfway done.
3) My supervisor at work is moving ten hours away, with about two weeks' notice (her husband's company is transferring him), so she's training two of us to take her place, while trying to square away moving. On top of that, this week is one of the busiest of the year with a Christmas program this weekend.

So a lot of stressors. I was freaked out all day yesterday.


I have loved my advent study. I have loved filling my life with hope through the words of the prophets.

But yesterday, I needed peace.

So I bypassed my self-imposed rules and meditated on the concept of Week 2 - peace.


These verses came to mind:

"I will not leave you comfortless: 

I will come to you. . . . 

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you:

 not as the world giveth, give I unto you. 

Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

(John 14:18, 27)

And He did. He calmed my spirit so I could get all of my work done. He restored my soul.

"Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will “work together for [our] good” as we follow the counsel of God’s prophets. This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair"

(Pres Uchtdorf, "The Infinite Power of Hope," October 2008)

This life is hard, but His love is bigger.

~ ~ ~

"It's love so undeniable, I can hardly speak

Peace so unexplainable, I can hardly think . . .

You're a Good, Good Father

It's who you are . . .

And I'm loved by you, it's who I am."

(Christ Tomlin, "Good Good Father")

 (source)

Freedom and Agency

"Do what is right; let the consequence follow.

Battle for freedom in spirit and might;

And with stout hearts look ye forth till tomorrow.

God will protect you; then do what is right!"

"Do What is Right," LDS Hymnbook

(source)

I've been thinking a lot lately about the concept of freedom, and specifically freedom in Christ. What does this mean?

It's important to understand what Christ brings freedom from. It's sin. Sin is what chains us down and makes us slaves. Satan "is seeking to hurl away [our] souls down to everlasting misery and endless wo" (Helaman 7:16). As one speaker said in our sacrament meeting, "Satan is not your friend."

When we sin, we let the devil into our hearts. And when we sin again, we let him stay, have a drink, put his feet up, and eventually make residence - "he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance. Yea, they are grasped with death, and hell" (2 Nephi 28:22). And, he is sticky. He doesn't like to leave. If we let him into our hearts, he won't leave. We can't kick him out. We don't have that power. Then, we have his evil, lying, deceptive voice in our heart, tempting us to do evil constantly.

When Christ performed the atonement, He broke those bands. He released us from the shackles from the devil.

When we accept Christ as Savior, when we exercise faith, and repent, feel godly sorrow for those sins, when we know that what we have done doesn't match up to our divine nature and potential - He can cleanse us. "Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool" (Isaiah 1:18). Christ kicks the devil out. He can beat the adversary, because the devil never entered into Christ. Christ, the perfectly righteous man, is the only one qualified to get the devil out.

When that happens, when the devil leaves, we become free again. We are not trapped by the adversary living inside us. We can choose again. We can move forward, choosing to do good.

The freedom that Christ offers us is not freedom to do whatever we want. It's freedom that allows us to "shake off the chains with which ye are bound, and . . . arise" (2 Nephi 1:23). It's the freedom that breaks the grasp of the devil and allows us to "choose liberty and eternal life" (2 Nephi 2:27). When God says, "Ye are free to choose" (2 Nephi 10:23), He means the hold of our sins has been lifted and we are free to run towards Him.

So let's do that. Since our chains are broken, let's run to Him, as fast as we can, choosing righteousness and obedience all the days of our lives.

A prayer in the Methodist hymnal includes this line, which I love: "Free us for joyful obedience, through Jesus Christ our Lord." Joyful obedience. Not grudging or spiteful obedience, but joyful obedience. Imagine what would happen if you thought of the "can't" of the gospel as "cans" - when you say "no" to something of the world, you're saying "yes" to letting the Holy Spirit fill your life up more. Don't be upset when you can't do something "fun," be joyful that you're saying "no" to the devil and "yes" to our Eternal Father.

"Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves—to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life."

2 Nephi 10:23

On Making Mistakes

I believe that God loves us more than we can fathom.

I believe that God always does what's best for us.

I believe that God is very patient with us, because I know I've made a lot of mistakes - but He's given me another chance by waking me up today. He is so patient with us.

(source)

Recently, I have been having a lot of trouble with my perfectionism, beating myself up for the smallest things and convincing myself that this one tiny mistake is the end of me. Something that has given me a lot of comfort is a principle that was emphasized to me by the Holy Ghost at my Church meetings last weekend.

That principle which has comforted me is this: Mistakes are not just accounted for by the Atonement, mistakes are not just understood by God, or even just expected. Mistakes are a vital part of the Plan of Happiness.

God did not send us down here grudgingly, saying, "Fall as few times as possible. Get back with as few scars as you can." No. He was not merely aware of the reality that we would fall. I think He excitedly looked toward the day when He could see us fall - and help us back up. He knew that the only way we could go up was by first going down. There can be no growth without mistakes. He wants us to grow, therefore He planned for mistakes. Mistakes are part of the Plan.



Now, I'm not saying that we should use this as an excuse to make as many mistakes as we can during our tenure in mortality. I'm saying that mistakes are allowed and planned - that's why there's and Atonement. So that we have the freedom to try things that don't work. That's why there's an Atonement. We don't have to stress about getting everything right the first time - because we won't. "Perfection doesn't exist on this side of eternity." That's why there's an Atonement. Remember, the Atonement does not just bring us back to pre-fall status - it elevates us. Then, we gain a little more strength to move forward and do better. Maya Angelou said, "I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better." When you know better, do better.

~ ~ ~

Live in the freedom that Christ offers. Freedom to try your best, fail, and try again, growing closer to perfection each time. Move up. Move down and up. Move. Don't stay still for fear of falling, because then you'll never be lifted. 

Learn more about how the Atonement can strengthen and empower us to get back up and try again, I suggest Elder Oaks' talk, "Strengthened by the Atonement of Christ." 

Just a Little Bit About Temples

"To members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, 

the temple is the most sacred place on earth. It is the house of the Lord."

President Thomas S. Monson, October 2010

This picture is from the newly completed Montreal Quebec Temple. Isn't that beautiful? 

~ ~ ~

Temples are very special places to Latter-Day Saints. They are difference than our regular meetinghouses, where we worship every Sunday. In temples, we worship more intently, and perform ordinances like marriage and others that will link our families together for eternity. For a brief overview about Latter-Day Saint temples, read here. After you read that, click here to learn even more. 

Right now, we have TEN temples under construction, on four continents. That's so cool. To see where these temples are located and how far along they are, read this story from Mormon Newsroom. 

~ ~ ~

I love to see the temple.

I'm going there someday

To feel the Holy Spirit,

To listen and to pray.

For the temple is a house of God,

A place of love and beauty.

I'll prepare myself while I am young;

This is my sacred duty.

"I Love to See the Temple," Primary Songbook

A Brief Testimony

"Learn to express a brief, heartfelt testimony of our Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ, and the truths of the restored gospel."

First Presidency Letter, 14 Feb 2013

I know that the priesthood is real. I've seen it's power working. I know that the full gospel was restored through Joseph Smith. I know that Heavenly Father hears our sincere prayers. I know that the Savior stands ready to help us whenever we need Him (which is always). I know that He leads this Church, and that all of our leaders are called by Him. I'm thankful for our prophet and apostles. I know that listening to their counsel will help us prosper. I know that they love us, too. I know that Heavenly Father sends people to us - families, ward members and leaders, missionaries. I know that He is in the details of our lives. I know that He cares about us. I know that He wants us home, and that He will help us on our way home. He is so good. His ways are just. His Son shows us the Way. His Atonement makes all things possible.

In His name, Jesus Christ, amen.

You've got the Savior of the world helping you out; how can you fall?

Reader Report: Standing for Something

Title:
Standing for Something: 10 Neglected Virtues That Will Heal Our Hearts and Homes

Author:
Gordon B. Hinckley

Publishing Info:

~ ~ ~

Honestly, I didn't love this book. It was written much likea General Conference talk, but nearly 300 pages. Long talk, right? President Hinckley said amazing inspirational things, it was just long for something with a short attention span like me.

Instead of doing a summary/thoughts/quotes report like I usually do, I'm going to talk about my life and how this book fit into it. 

To start off, the layout of this book is simple: our world is great but in trouble, here are individual virtues that can remedy our situation, and here are ways to safeguard and grow those virtues. The first nine virtues are: love, honesty, morality, civility, learning, forgiveness and mercy, thrift and industry, gratitude, and optimism. This book had some great sections and one-liners, but there are just too many to share with you guys (these reports have been pretty long and boring lately). 

Here's my experience with the book: I checked it out from my hometown library in May. I wanted to read books written by prophets and apostles, so I found the Religion/Christian section, then the Mormon shelf. This was the only written by a General Authority, and I'm glad it was Hinckley because he's my favorite (I can't wait for his Teachings of Presidents of the Church book to come out!) 

If you've read personal posts on here, you might know that I'm the only member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in my family, and that my parents aren't too happy with my decision. Well, since I've moved back home from my college town, I've been going to church happily, but alone. Last Sunday, my parents asked me to go to church with them. This was hard for me, because I really want to go to sacrament meeting (and I know that Heavenly Father wants me to, also), but I also wanted to strengthen my family relationships (because I know that families are important to Heavenly Father). I prayed about it a lot. A lot. 

On Thursday, I watched a video. I won't go into detail because it's not uplifting. Basically, it was an interview about faith. And though it was meant to strengthen faith, it made me question. I wondered if I'd made the right choice in being baptized. Then, I opened my journal. I saw the bright colors and bulletins from church. The Holy Ghost reminded me of what I'd learned in these meetings, what I'd taken notes on in my personal studies, and what I'd cried to God about in these pages. In my journals, I learn that God loves me. I know that He's here, I know that He's listening to us. 

That night, my missionary, Sister A called. I didn't answer so she left a message, telling me to call back because she had a favor to ask. Oh my, I thought. The next day, I called her back. She said she wanted me to skype in for a lesson with a girl in her area who wants to be baptized but is experiencing opposition from her family. She thought I could help. I was very hesitant, considering what I'd been thinking and feeling regarding my own faith, but I agreed. 

On Saturday, I asked my parents if we could talked about going to church on Sunday. We ended up talking for hours about my joining the church and how they thought I'd made a wrong choice. And it got to me. What if I had made a wrong choice? Do I even know what I believe? I had been so sure, but then I'm wasn't. What was I supposed to do? How do I know what's right? And Sister A wants me to help this young girl keep the faith. How can I help her when I can't even keep it myself?

Then I looked at my journal. "First and forever fan the flame of your faith, because all things are possible to them that believe" (Elder Jeffery R. Holland). Keep going, I thought. And then, "Rescued by the Gospel." I remembered where I was before I found this. I remembered that this gospel had in fact, rescued me. I didn't want to go back to that life without this. I may not be able to explain that, but I know it. I thought, The Book of Mormon is true, and I need it in my life.

Then I picked up my book to read. The next chapter, the tenth virtue, was entitled: "Faith: Our Only Hope." I thought, how perfect to read about faith from a prophet of God, when I have so little of it. He said faith is real and strong and powerful. He said that we have no greater motivation than the knowledge that we are children of the Almighty and that He will help us achieve. He said, "Vibrant testimony comes of anxious seeking" (p 110). He said, "I know that He is intensely interested in our lives, that I can speak with Him in prayer, and that He will hear and listen" (p 110). I thought, I need to know that. That I am loved and heard.

Before bed that night, I sat writing in my journal.

I know the gospel is true. I know the Plan of Salvation is true. I know that the Savior walked the lonely path so I don't have to. I know that His love and mercy are stronger than my weaknesses. I know that I belong in this Church. I know that this is where God wants me. I know that this is where I will find peace, hope, and guidance, in the Book of Mormon and this Church, I know that Heavenly Father "doesn't intend to save just a few of His children" (movie, The Restoration, Intellectual Reserve, 2006), and that He didn't drop us here to grope in darkness. I know that we have a prophet today, who teaches the whole world about God and Jesus Christ. I know that he stands at the head of this, Christ's Church, which contains the fulness of ordinances, and all truth pertinent to salvation. 

This book renewed my faith exactly when I needed it. I encourage you to record your testimony periodically, so that when you are in times of doubt, you can go back and look at what you said. It's one things to have someone else tell you they believe, it's another thing entirely to have yourself tell you that you believe.

Keep the faith, and carry on.

"I believe that God will always make a way, even when there appears to be no way."

Reader Report: Boy Meets Girl

Title:
Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship

"I wrote Boy Meets Girl the year after I was married. It was a great chance to answer many of the questions that were raised by my first book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I know the last thing most singles want is more rules and, in Boy Meets Girl, I wanted to offer an alternative: an intentional, God-pleasing game plan for finding a future spouse. In the book, I discuss how biblical courtship (a healthy, joyous alternative to recreational dating) worked for me and my wife Shannon, to give an encouraging and practical example for readers wanting to pursue the possibility of marriage with someone they're serious about. This updated version includes a new foreword, a new chapter, an all-new '8 Great Courtship Conversations' section, and some updated material throughout."

Author:
Joshua Harris

Joshua Harris is the author of six books, the most recent being Humble Orthodoxy: Holding the Truth High Without Putting People Down. Living what he calls a "backwards life" Josh became a best-selling author at age 21, the lead pastor of a mega-church at age 30 and only now, at age 40, is attending Regent College, a graduate school of theology, in Vancouver, BC. His passion is making biblical truth accessible to everyday people and helping others discover the security, identity and freedom of being rooted in God's love in Christ.  Josh and his wife Shannon have three children.

Publishing Info:
Multnomah Books, 2000

~ ~ ~

"Falling in love was God's idea. He was the one who made us capable of experiencing romantic feelings. He was the one who gave us the ability to appreciate beauty and experience attraction. And He was the one who invented marriage so the blazing fire of romantic love could become something even more beautiful--apulsing, red-hot ember of covenant love in marriage."

-Josh Harris, p 35

This book is in essence, a sequel to I Kissed Dating Goodbye. In that book, Josh urged readers to skip dating until they were ready for marriage. In Boy Meets Girl, Josh helps readers figure out how to move forward appropriately when one is ready for marriage. 

Josh begins by telling his story of how he met his wife, Shannon, and how he trusted God through the early stages of their relationship, and talking about why we need purposeful romance and more than just intense feelings and how God guides us in His timing. 

Josh stresses the importance of wisdom paired with romance. He compares romance to a kite, with wisdom being the string: "I suppose there are times when a kite feels tied down by the string. 'If this bothersome string would just let go of me, I could really fly high,' the kite might think. But that isn't true, is it? Without the string holding it in the face of the wind, the kite would quickly come crashing to the ground. In the same way, romance without wisdom will soon take a nosedive. . . . It's not enough to simply have romantic feelings. . . . Long-lasting romance needs practical, commonplace wisdom that knows when to let the wind of feelings carry us higher and when to pull back. When to express our emotions and when to keep quiet. When to open our hearts and when to rein them in" (p 41).

"Romance says, ' This is what I want and it's good for me.' Wisdom leads us to consider what's best for the other person. . . . We glorify God in our relationships when we put our needs aside and base our decisions on what serves the interests of the other person" (p 44-45). Here are some questions we can ask ourselves to decide if we're guided by selfish or selfless desires (paraphrased, p 45). Is starting this relationship now what's best for him? Will I be a distraction for something God is calling him to do immediately? Will expressing all my feelings serve him, or distract and confuse him? Are my actions encouraging him to love God and seek His will more? Am I communicating clearly and in a way that benefits him? Does the way I dress encourage (key word - encourage) him to have a pure thought life? Will kissing now be what's best for us in the long run? Am I treating this person the way Christ would? "A selfless desire to do what's best for the other person can guide us in the big and small decisions of a relationship. It's not tedious. It's an expression of sincere love and the defining mark of a Christian relationship" (p 45).

Next, Josh moves on to talking about courtship - how to grow in friendship, guard each others hearts, tips on communication, embracing our gender differences in order to complement each other, reasons to get support from your community, and a great chapter on sexual purity during courtship. 

It can be hard to know how to act towards your boyfriend or girlfriend in the beginning of a courtship. You're "more than friends, less than lovers." You're getting to know each other more, but you're refraining from the traditional dating game. You have feelings for each other, but you don't want to awaken love prematurely (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4). Josh says: "Growing in friendship involves learning through conversation who you are as individuals. It's having fun together and spending quality and quantity time together. . . . Don't stress yourself out trying to orchestrate incredibly entertaining or romantic dates. Relax and enjoy each other's company. Look for activities and setting that allow you to spend time together and talk freely. . . . Look for ways to share the different parts of your life - the fun, the mundane, and the in-between. . . . How can you let each other see the 'real you'? Whatever it is you love, whatever it is that captures your imagination, invite the other person into it - and ask the other person to take you into his or her world, too" (p 79). 

It's important to have Christian fellowship with your boyfriend/girlfriend. In marriage, we are serving God together and helping each other move closer to God. In courtship, we should be starting that. Share your testimony with your partner and in groups, talk about your faith with your partner, pray for each other and with each other, talk about what God is teaching you right now, read Christian books together, talk about what you learned at church and how you're going to apply what you learned, read scriptures together (Josh and his wife read the book of Acts together during their courtship and emailed about what they'd learned). For Mormons, other activities can include sharing your favorite talks from General Authorities, attending family home evening together (in each other's homes or in a YSA group), attending Institute together, watching Youth Devotionals and General Conference together, attending missionary events and sharing the gospel together. There are so many ways to share your faith with your partner and encourage each other to grow. 

It is true that God made men and women different. Many people in the world see this as women being 'less than.' This is not true. "God made women totally equal to men in personhood, dignity, and worth. They are no less important or valuable to God. Within the context of their equality, God assigned men and women different roles. . . Men and women were created equal, yet different. And the fact that we're different is wonderful" (p 107). Matthew Henry said "Eve was not taken out of Adam's head to top him, neither out of his feet to be trampled by him, but out of his side to be equal to him, under his arm to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him." (Sister Linda K. Burton gave a great talk about the complementing nature or males and females at the April 2015 General Conference - read it here. Also see The Family: A Proclamation to the World.)

Josh reminds us of the importance of community - receiving counsel from parents, church leaders, mentors, and friends. It's vital to balance personal thoughts and revelations with counsel from your community. They are able to look at your relationship objectively, while you may be missing some things because of your emotions. "While it's true that no one else should decide whom we marry, how arrogant it is to think that we can make this important decision on our own! And while a couple needs time alone, how shortsighted and foolish it is to cut ourselves off from the wisdom and support of the people who know us best" (p 125-6). 

Josh devotes a whole chapter to outlining why we should save physical intimacy for marriage. It's a beautiful chapter that reminds us that God didn't give this commandment to torture us, but because having these relations with one person is a joy. And when you save them for your wedding night, it is a special gift that you give to each other as a married couple, a new experience that separates your courtship from your married life. But, "there's another reason the struggle on waiting for marriage is a blessing. God not only wants to maximize a couple's enjoyment of sex in marriage, He also wants a couple to learn to trust Him together. When a Christian man and woman systematically deny their own physical desires as an expression of mutual faith and submission to Jesus Christ, they are laying a solid foundation for their marriage. They're learning to fight sin as a team. They're learning to care for each other, pray for each other, and challenge each other. In the most practical of ways, they are submitting to Jesus Christ as Lord of their relationship" (p 151). 

Finally, Josh devotes a chapter to addressing forgiveness for past sexual sins and how to deal with them in a relationship (though a lot of what he says applies to any sin, really). He ends with the final preparations before marriage, and tells us about his own wedding day. 

Included in this section is a list of questions to ask before you get engaged, which Josh adapted from an article, "Should We Get Married?' by David Powlinson and John Yenchko: Is your relationship centered on God and His glory? Are you growing in friendship, communication, fellowship, and romance? Are your parents and mentors supportive of your relationship? Is sexual involvement playing too big a part in your decision? Do you have a track record of solving problems in the way that scripture directs? Are you heading the same direction in life (can you cleave to each other)? Have you taken into account any cultural differences you have (hurdles that may have to be overcome because of familial, racial, historical, financial differences)? Do you want to marry this person? With all this intellectual and spiritual aspects to think about, it' s important to not overlook your heart. It should not be the deciding factor, but do you love this person and want to grow old with them? Have the courage to answer these questions about your relationship and decided what to do - whether is proposing or ending the relationship. 

Throughout the book, Josh tells us of his own courtship and engagement, and shares stories from other people he knows. These people come from many different circumstances - some lifelong Christians, some recently converted, some with Christian families, some being the only person in their family to value a God-honoring relationship, some save the first kiss for the altar, some choose to share this before marriage while still saving other things, some end in marriage, some end with the people realizing marriage should not happen. The variety of stories, I think, give a hope that these principles can work, wherever you are and in whatever circumstance. The point of this book is not to set rules, but to show people how to look to God in scripture and prayer to change your heart and define your own guidelines. 

One of the best parts of this book is the bonus at the end, the "Courtship Conversations." Each conversation includes a date idea, suggestions of things to discuss that go along with the activity, and questions to ask. Each date includes 15-20 questions (sometimes more), so you could actually use the conversation suggestions for many more dates or activities. I'll be buying the book just for those (not really, but almost).

Overall, I thought this was a great read. Josh made many great points about the attitude we should have during a relationship that's moving towards marriage. He discussed a lot how this time should be different from friendship, while also being different from marriage. There were many practical suggestions of ways to evaluate yourself and your relationship during this time, as well as to move forward. Like I said, I'm definitely buying this book. 

Building a Celestial Family: Part 1

Forgive quickly and fully. 

We owe our families the kind of relationship we can take into the presence of God. . . . We can determine to forgive quickly and fully. We can try to seek the happiness of others above our own. We can be kind in our speech. As we try to do all these things, we will invite the Holy Ghost into our families and into our lives.

Henry B. Eyring, First Counselor in the First Presidency (source)

The guide to the scriptures says: "As people forgive each other, they treat one another with Christlike love and have no bad feelings toward those who have offended them." That's kind of big. The Gospel of Luke records Jesus as telling us, "If [a brother] trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him" (Luke 17:3-4). Jesus again commands us to forgive without end in Matthew: "Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven" (Matt 18:21-22). 

The Savior said this to us again in our day through the Prophet Joseph Smith "And so on unto the second and third time; and as oft as thine enemy repenteth of the trespass wherewith he has trespassed against thee, thou shalt forgive him, until seventy times seven." (D&C 98:40). The Lord commands us that if someone continues to hurt us withour repenting, we are still to forgive him: " And if he do this [continue in wrongdoing without repentance], thou shalt forgive him with all thine heart; and if he do not this, I, the Lord, will avenge thee of thine enemy an hundred-fold" (D&C 98:45). The Savior asks us to forgive everyone, but He doesn't ask us to make them pay. Like every single commandment the Lord gives, this is for our benefit. Holding a grudge hurts. Living in anger is not fun. Scientific studies in recent years are showing that a lack or forgiveness on our part makes us unhealthy. The command to forgive those who persecute us is given for our benefit. The Lord tells us to forgive others because He knows we can't live the abundance that He desires for us when we carry all that hurt. The Lord assures us that when we forgive, this person isn't receiving a "get out of jail free" card: "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men" (D&C 64:10).  He's allowing us to let go and move on, while assuring us that He will take care of the justice or mercy towards this person. Vengeance is not our job. However many times we say "I hate this person," it won't make up for the wrong. It won't give us any peace. The only peace comes from the Savior, when we know we are forgiven, and we forgive others. 

I worked a bible camp for kids this week. On Thursday, our Bible point or catch phrase for the day was "God has the power to forgive." The teachers told the kids that God has this power, and He shares it with us. God forgives us, and He gives us the power to turn around and forgive other people. That's true for little kids, for grown-ups, and for teens. He forgives all if we repent, and He gives us the power to forgive and let go of that hurt. 

It is important for us to forgive in our families. "Only the home can compare with the temple in sacredness" (Bible Dictionary, "Temple"). Our homes are supposed to be as sacred and holy as the temple. That's pretty sacred and holy. Can we have that holiness, that presence of the Lord, when we are forgetting to ask forgiveness and give forgiveness? when we are holding grudging and getting even? No. Gordon B. Hinckley said, "Mercy is the essence of the gospel." Our homes should be places of mercy and forgiveness. If children don't experience forgiveness in their homes, how will they believe that our God is a god of forgiveness? (Nehemiah 9:17). We, especially those of us members living in nonmember homes are to be "an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity" (1 Tim 4:12). If the essence of the gospel is forgiveness, shouldn't we be abundantly splashing our families with forgiveness?

This post is part of a series entitled "Building a Celestial Family." You can find the rest here: Intro, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4.

Reader Report: I Kissed Dating Goodbye

Title:
I Kissed Dating Goodbye: A New Approach to Romance and Relationships

Tired of the game? Kiss dating goodbye.

Going out? Been dumped? Waiting for a call that doesn’t come? Have you tasted pain in dating, drifted through one romance or, possibly, several of them?

Ever wondered, Isn’t there a better way?

I Kissed Dating Goodbye shows what it means to entrust your love life to God. Joshua Harris shares his story of giving up dating and discovering that God has something even better—a life of sincere love, true purity, and purposeful singleness.

Author:
Joshua Harris

Joshua Harris lives outside Washington, D.C., in Gaithersburg, Maryland, where he's a pastor at Covenant Life Church. His greatest passion is preaching the gospel and calling his generation to wholehearted devotion to God. Each January he leads a national conference for singles called New Attitude.


Publishing Info:
Multnomah Books, 1997

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"Some people who hear about my decision to not date till I'm ready for marriage assume that my heart must've been broken. No, my heart was made new by my Savior. The change in my attitude was the result of realizing the implications of belonging to Him. The Son of God died for me! He came to free me from the hopelessness of living for myself. That had to change everything--including my love life. Having a girlfriend was no longer my greatest need. Knowing and obeying Him was. I wanted to please Him in my relationships even if it meant looking radical and foolish to other people--even if it meant kissing dating goodbye" (p 18). 

When Josh Harris says "Kiss dating goodbye," he doesn't mean never date. Josh says this mostly meaning, "I'm not going to date until God tells me it's time."  Josh says, "The main focus of this book is on enjoying singleness and waiting on romance til you're ready for marriage (p 187).  It's about watching God in your relationships, and entering into a dating relationship or "courtship" as he calls it, when God gives you the heads up. Its moving from friendship to dating prayerfully. "You and I will never experience God's best--in singleness or in marriage--until we give God our all. We've held on to old attitudes, foolishly clutching a lifestyle that the world tells us will bring fulfillment. God asks us to hand it all over to him" (p 55). 

Josh outlines the pitfalls of modern dating, and offers new ideas about romance. We often see good Christians in solid dating relationships get involved in sexual sin, but we often blame it on a lack of self-control. While self-control is important, Josh points out that, as with David and Bathsheba, the sin isn't one step but a series of missteps. The bible tells us to "Flee from sin" (1 Corinthians 6:18); He knows that we won't always have enough self-control, so we shouldn't play games with evil. He tells us to run away. "Dating in and of itself isn't the cause of the problems we see in relationships. Sinful and selfish people are the cause of sinful and selfish relationships--it's our own wrong attitudes and values that make for defective dating. But while dating isn't necessarily wrong, we've got to keep in mind that the system of dating as we know it grew out of a culture that celebrates self-centeredness and immorality. Just as a bar that sells alcohol doesn't force anyone to drink and isn't the cause of drunkenness, a bar is an establishment created so that people can have a place to get drink. You wouldn't say that getting rid of bars would end alcoholism or that everyone who visits a bar has a drinking problem, but neither would you encourage a friend who was trying to quit drinking to hang out in bars" (p 36). Now replace the bar with dating. Dating doesn't make us sin, but the environment it creates often is the perfect place for sin to creep up on us. The "seven habits of defective dating, Josh states, are: Dating tends to skip the friendship stage, dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love, dating tends to isolate a couple from other vital relationships (family and friends), dating can distract young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future (education, job, growing in godliness), dating can cause discontentment with God's gift of singleness, dating can create an artificial environment for evaluating a person's character, and dating often becomes and end of itself (pp 38-46). We need something new. 

Josh stresses the importance of caring for and respecting others, as Christians. He reminds us that this applies to our dating relationships, too. We are to respect for the person we're dating and care for them. It's our responsibility to guard their purity, watch over their hearts, and love them as Christ loves them. Sometimes loving them as Christ loves them means not dating. "I've come to realize that while friendships with the opposite sex are great, I have no business asking for a girl's heart and exclusive affections if I'm not ready to consider marriage. until I can do that, I'd only be using that girl to meet my short-term needs, and not seeking to bless her for the long-term. Would I enjoy having a girlfriend right now? You bet! But I wouldn't truly be loving her and putting her interests first" (p 19). 

Many of us view "purity and impurity as separated by a fixed point. As long as [we don't] cross the line and go all the way, [we believe we are] still pure. True purity, however, is a direction, a persistent, determined pursuit of righteousness. This direction starts in the heart, and we express it in a lifestyle that flees opportunities for compromise" (p 88). The scriptures tell us to have a "pure heart." Jesus Christ said that "whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). Purity is a lot more than not having sex. It's about more than our bodies. It's about keeping our eyes pure from lust, our hearts pure from idolizing a boyfriend/girlfriend. Purity is always moving toward righteousness. When someone is really striving for purity, there's no question of "how far can we go."

In this book, Josh introduced a motto, something he calls the "little relationship principle" - "The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment." Josh specified that this applies to physical intimacy and emotional intimacy. When we are intimate without commitment, we risk hurt. Intimacy is only safe when coupled with commitment. With the commitment of friendship, we reach a certain level of intimacy. As friendship depends, we share more of ourselves with our friends. As we are purposefully entering a relationship to consider marriage, we share more of our hearts with the other person. There is a greater commitment. Only when we commit our entire selves and lives to each other can we become "one flesh" can we experience the true joy of intimacy that God has created for us to enjoy. God gives us many great gifts, and they are almost always coupled with guidelines to protect the sacredness of the gift. One example is intimacy. God wants us to be intimate with other people - our family and our spouse. To these people, we give parts of ourselves. When we are intimate with strangers, we give parts of our self away, and someone who is not committed to our well-being now holds a part of us, but since there is not commitment, the intimacy is not safe. We can lose that part of ourselves.

Josh claims that as we see each other as brothers and sisters in Christ and understand our responsibilities to care for each other, it will totally change how we date - so much that it might require a new name. He uses the term "courting." Courting is basically dating with a purpose, or purposeful romance. In courting there's no playing with hearts. The boy and the girl respect each other and the other person's future spouse. The aim, he says, is to be the kind of friend that your boyfriend's wife can say to you "Thank you for guarding my husband's heart and respecting him." There would be no regrets. He says that courtship is a commitment, a commitment to protecting each other's purity and hearts.

"The various ways in which God brings men and women together, like the unique designs of snowflakes, are never quite the same. But just as a one-of-a-kind snowflake can only form at a specific temperature and precipitation, a God-honoring romance can only form when we follow godly patterns and principles" (p 187). The goal of courtship is to evaluate the other person's character and prayerfully determine if it is God's will for you to marry. With courtship, there's no recreational dating. Intimacy has purpose, and it is carefully guided by other Christian mentors and by prayer. Courting only happens when both parties are ready to enter the lifelong commitment of marriage - spiritually ready, emotionally ready, financially ready. Marriage is a big commitment. It requires serious contemplation. With courtship, the purpose is to consider marriage, and both parties are aware of this from the start. Again, courtship is a commitment to respect each other's hearts and purity.

Josh is careful to remind us that is courting is just a set of rules to us, it becomes just as harmful as modern recreational dating. In order for courting to be different, our hearts have to change. And, a person can alter their dating methods to look like what Josh calls courting, but still call it dating. "Courting" or "dating" is just a name.


Some other great ideas presented in this book:

• "True love isn't just expressed in passionately whispered words or an intimate kiss or an embrace; before two people are married, love is expressed in self-control, patience, even words left unsaid"  (p 20). 
• Sometimes, we feel lonely. Whether it's because we're not dating, or we feel estranged from family or friends. whatever the case, loneliness hits us all at one time or another "A girl in her midtwenties who recently married told me that she saw lonliness as God's call to her heart. 'When I felt lonely, I would think, God is calling me back to Him,' she told me. During these times she learned to pour her heart out to God and talk with Him. Now she wouldn't trade those intimate moments with God for the world" (p 149). 
• Repeat: marriage is a big commitment. Marriage is one of the most important things to God. "Marriage is the first institution (Genesis 2:22-24). It was ordained before family, before civil government--even before the church" (p168). As Latter-Day Saints, we know marriage to be of utmost importance. We affirm that the family is central to God's plan for us on earth, and that family can only come about when a man and woman are married (preferably for time and all eternity). The dating principles Josh goes through in this book are important to all Christians, but our dating practices should be noted especially by Latter-Day Saints because we put a much higher value on marriage than many other denominations. God does not intend for us to take this covenant lightly. It is the highest covenant. It is what will bring us into the celestial kingdom, to live with Him forever. (Read about the LDS view of marriage here). 

This book presented many great ideas about the pitfalls of the way we date today, and some possible solutions. it was a great read, and I do think I will be applying some of the things he said to my own relationships.