For several months, I have felt estranged from God. I have not attended Sunday services or meetings. I have not prayed. I have not read scripture. I have interacted with social media communities, and participated in family scripture study and prayer about once weekly. Even with those - my heart hasn’t been in it. I haven’t sensed a connection to the Divine, to the Beyond. Discussing scripture was like discussing the weather; participating in prayer was no more than listening to the words of another.
Today, I decided to attend an Ash Wednesday service. For the past handful of years, the seasons of the church year have become increasingly important and meaningful to me. Last Advent, I decided to create a home altar with candles, statues, and colored cloths for each season of the liturgical calendar. I decided that I wanted to incorporate the seasons into the rhythm of my home and life. I wasn’t sure how to do that, but I knew I wanted to. So with Lent approaching, I knew an Ash Wednesday worship service with the Body of Christ would start me off.
And boy was I right. More right than I expected.
I deliberated through the day about where I would go for service (remember, I haven’t been attending church; I have no home). All I knew was that I needed Communion; I needed the Eucharist; I needed the Bread of Life. I’m not sure I would have been able to explain why. I just knew in my soul, in my bones, that I needed it. So I searched for a church that was sure to offer this gift to me.
Divine Providence brought me where I needed to be, I believe. Just before 7, I headed to the nearest United Methodist Church. I reached for the door handle - locked. I walked around the corner to another entrance - locked. And the next - locked. I checked the website to discover the 7pm service was at a different location. Reluctantly, I walked to the Episcopal church across the street (they also had a service at 7).
I was early - the sanctuary was sparsely populated and filled with a stillness. The altar seemed bare.
The service began. The priest gave a sermon about the origins of Lent as a time when converts prepared for an Easter Sunday baptism, a time when estranged members who had committed grievous sins prepared to reenter the community, a time when indeed the whole church took time to reflect on their own baptism, take inventory, and recenter their life on Christ. He spoke of Edward Hays’ book, “Lenten Hobo Honeymoon,” and the origins of the word “hobo.” After the Civil War, this word referred to people who were “homeward bound.” Hobo - people who would do anything just to get back home. This is the message of Lent, he said: You can go back home. Jesus came so we can go home.
The minister continued, proclaiming, “People of God: The first Christians observed with great devotion the days of our Lord’s passion and resurrection, and it became the custom of the Church to prepare for them by a season of penitence and fasting. This season of Lent provided a time in which converts to the faith were prepared for Holy Baptism. It was also a time when those who, because of notorious sins, had been separated from the faithful were reconciled by penitence and forgiveness, and restored to the fellowship of the Church. . . . I invite you, in the name of the Church, to the observance of a holy Lent, by self-examination and repentance; by prayer, fasting, and self-denial; and by reading and meditating on God’s holy Word.”
The Spirit moved within me. I want to observe a holy Lent. I want to prepare for the feast of the Lord’s passion and resurrection. I want to prepare to renew my baptism and its covenants at Easter. I want to be reconciled and restored to fellowship. I want Jesus. I need Jesus. Jesus, I cried, take me home.
We received ashes as a sign of our mortality and penitence, remembering that it is only Jesus who grants us life. We continued through the liturgy to the memorial of Christ’s death and resurrection, the Eucharist. A word that translates to “good gift.”
As I ate the Body and Blood, the Bread of Life and the Fruit of the Vine, I was overcome with gratitude. The love of God was thick in the air. Christ is truly present, I thought. Christ loves me, embraces me, calls me home. The words of Christ came to mind: “Repent, and return unto me, that I may heal you” (3 Nephi 9:14, paraphrased). With a Mother’s love, God waits patiently. God does not grow weary of me; God’s welcome will never expire.
As I walked home, a song ran through my mind: “All my life You have been faithful, and all my life You have been so, so good. With every breath that I am able, I will sing of the goodness of God . . . Your goodness is running after, it's running after me. . . . My life laid down, I'm surrendered now, I give You everything” (Bethel, “Goodness of God”).
At home, I began working on my altar. I removed the green cloth of Ordinary Time and replaced it with a purple cloth - purple, symbolizing royalty, penitence, and waiting. I felt as Nephi, being "led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do” (1 Nephi 4:6). “Nevertheless I went forth,” finding an index card and writing what the Spirit laid on my heart.
Lenten Invitations
- Prayer: Lord’s Prayer, Hail Mary, Book of Common Prayer Lenten Collects
- Scripture: Book of Mormon
- Communion & Sacrament: Gather with the saints to celebrate Eucharist
I must make one thing clear - these are not goals. These are not things I hope to do. These are invitations. God has invited me to use these practices as a means of grace, to partake of God’s presence and goodness. There is no obligation here, only open arms. God invites me to come to the table.
Another note - “For the Lord God . . . speaketh unto men according to their language, unto their understanding” (2 Nephi 31:3). I firmly believe that the Divine Power can and does communicate with people in their own language. God meets us where we are and uses many means to connect with us. And I believe God welcomes all our efforts to experience God’s presence. You’ll notice that the invitations God laid on my heart are eclectic - Catholic and Anglican prayers and Mormon scripture (and who knows which saints I’ll gather with to celebrate the Eucharist!). I don’t find issue with this. I meet God when I pray, “Our Father, who art in Heaven.” I meet God when I pray, “Hail Mary, full of grace.” I meet God when I read the Book of Mormon - more than in any other book. I firmly believe that God is okay with that. God is big enough to accept any and every human offering.
And now, I extend and invitation to you. I invite you to spend a few moments in quiet, asking the Great Unknowable how you might come to experience Its glory more fully during this Lenten season. How can you observe a holy Lent? How can you prepare to celebrate the glorious mystery of rebirth? What will bring your soul to life?
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