Ash Wednesday & Lenten Invitations

For several months, I have felt estranged from God. I have not attended Sunday services or meetings. I have not prayed. I have not read scripture. I have interacted with social media communities, and participated in family scripture study and prayer about once weekly. Even with those - my heart hasn’t been in it. I haven’t sensed a connection to the Divine, to the Beyond. Discussing scripture was like discussing the weather; participating in prayer was no more than listening to the words of another. 

Today, I decided to attend an Ash Wednesday service. For the past handful of years, the seasons of the church year have become increasingly important and meaningful to me. Last Advent, I decided to create a home altar with candles, statues, and colored cloths for each season of the liturgical calendar. I decided that I wanted to incorporate the seasons into the rhythm of my home and life. I wasn’t sure how to do that, but I knew I wanted to. So with Lent approaching, I knew an Ash Wednesday worship service with the Body of Christ would start me off. 

And boy was I right. More right than I expected. 

I deliberated through the day about where I would go for service (remember, I haven’t been attending church; I have no home). All I knew was that I needed Communion; I needed the Eucharist; I needed the Bread of Life. I’m not sure I would have been able to explain why. I just knew in my soul, in my bones, that I needed it. So I searched for a church that was sure to offer this gift to me. 

Divine Providence brought me where I needed to be, I believe. Just before 7, I headed to the nearest United Methodist Church. I reached for the door handle - locked. I walked around the corner to another entrance - locked. And the next - locked. I checked the website to discover the 7pm service was at a different location. Reluctantly, I walked to the Episcopal church across the street (they also had a service at 7).

I was early - the sanctuary was sparsely populated and filled with a stillness. The altar seemed bare. 

The service began. The priest gave a sermon about the origins of Lent as a time when converts prepared for an Easter Sunday baptism, a time when estranged members who had committed grievous sins prepared to reenter the community, a time when indeed the whole church took time to reflect on their own baptism, take inventory, and recenter their life on Christ. He spoke of Edward Hays’ book, “Lenten Hobo Honeymoon,” and the origins of the word “hobo.” After the Civil War, this word referred to people who were “homeward bound.” Hobo - people who would do anything just to get back home. This is the message of Lent, he said: You can go back home. Jesus came so we can go home. 

The minister continued, proclaiming, “People of God: The first Christians observed with great devotion the days of our Lord’s passion and resurrection, and it became the custom of the Church to prepare for them by a season of penitence and fasting. This season of Lent provided a time in which converts to the faith were prepared for Holy Baptism. It was also a time when those who, because of notorious sins, had been separated from the faithful were reconciled by penitence and forgiveness, and restored to the fellowship of the Church. . . . I invite you, in the name of the Church, to the observance of a holy Lent, by self-examination and repentance; by prayer, fasting, and self-denial; and by reading and meditating on God’s holy Word.” 

The Spirit moved within me. I want to observe a holy Lent. I want to prepare for the feast of the Lord’s passion and resurrection. I want to prepare to renew my baptism and its covenants at Easter. I want to be reconciled and restored to fellowship. I want Jesus. I need Jesus. Jesus, I cried, take me home. 

We received ashes as a sign of our mortality and penitence, remembering that it is only Jesus who grants us life. We continued through the liturgy to the memorial of Christ’s death and resurrection, the Eucharist. A word that translates to “good gift.” 

As I ate the Body and Blood, the Bread of Life and the Fruit of the Vine, I was overcome with gratitude. The love of God was thick in the air. Christ is truly present, I thought. Christ loves me, embraces me, calls me home. The words of Christ came to mind: “Repent, and return unto me, that I may heal you” (3 Nephi 9:14, paraphrased). With a Mother’s love, God waits patiently. God does not grow weary of me; God’s welcome will never expire. 

As I walked home, a song ran through my mind: “All my life You have been faithful, and all my life You have been so, so good. With every breath that I am able, I will sing of the goodness of God . . . Your goodness is running after, it's running after me. . . . My life laid down, I'm surrendered now, I give You everything” (Bethel, “Goodness of God”). 

At home, I began working on my altar. I removed the green cloth of Ordinary Time and replaced it with a purple cloth - purple, symbolizing royalty, penitence, and waiting. I felt as Nephi, being "led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do” (1 Nephi 4:6). “Nevertheless I went forth,” finding an index card and writing what the Spirit laid on my heart. 

Lenten Invitations

• Prayer: Lord’s Prayer, Hail Mary, Book of Common Prayer Lenten Collects
• Scripture: Book of Mormon
• Communion & Sacrament: Gather with the saints to celebrate Eucharist

I must make one thing clear - these are not goals. These are not things I hope to do. These are invitations. God has invited me to use these practices as a means of grace, to partake of God’s presence and goodness. There is no obligation here, only open arms. God invites me to come to the table. 

Another note - “For the Lord God . . . speaketh unto men according to their language, unto their understanding” (2 Nephi 31:3). I firmly believe that the Divine Power can and does communicate with people in their own language. God meets us where we are and uses many means to connect with us. And I believe God welcomes all our efforts to experience God’s presence. You’ll notice that the invitations God laid on my heart are eclectic - Catholic and Anglican prayers and Mormon scripture (and who knows which saints I’ll gather with to celebrate the Eucharist!). I don’t find issue with this. I meet God when I pray, “Our Father, who art in Heaven.” I meet God when I pray, “Hail Mary, full of grace.” I meet God when I read the Book of Mormon - more than in any other book. I firmly believe that God is okay with that. God is big enough to accept any and every human offering. 

And now, I extend and invitation to you. I invite you to spend a few moments in quiet, asking the Great Unknowable how you might come to experience Its glory more fully during this Lenten season. How can you observe a holy Lent? How can you prepare to celebrate the glorious mystery of rebirth? What will bring your soul to life? 

Three Years

Three Years.



As a new member, I used to pray often that I never lose sight of how grand and glorious a blessing the gospel is.

Well, it didn't work. This year, my baptism anniversary totally caught me by surprise. I have not been reflecting all week about what baptism means to me or how this past year has gone. Nope, haven't thought about it a bit.

What does baptism mean to me? Particularly, what does my believer's baptism into the LDS church three years ago mean to me?

That day was the first time I really made a decision for me, regardless of what anyone else said or thought I should do. Some people told me I shouldn't join the church, that I didn't know enough, that it wasn't safe. I said I'd never know "enough" to commit myself to any church, and I was choosing this one on faith. I know I might get hurt, but I took the risk anyway, believing that life will hurt me wherever I got and trusting that God would be with me through the hurt.

And I have been hurt. Not necessarily by the church. Just by life. And I think God has been with me. Or perhaps God is truly with us whenever we think to acknowledge God's presence. Really, I believe God is everywhere, all the time. That's the kind of God I believe in. A lot of times we feel without God simply because we have failed to see what's right under our noses - plenteous provision.



Baptism. A forgiveness. A rebirth. A cleansing. Baptism means that my past has no power over me. My past before my baptism, and my past since. Baptism means that the best is yet to come.

Baptism. A testimony. A loud proclamation of what God has done in my life and what God will do. In the waters of baptism I publicly proclaimed my belief in the Savior God, proclaimed His work in my life, and proclaimed bright hope for what lay ahead. Baptism is a testimony of God's faithfulness - past, present, and future.

Baptism. A covenant. A covenant to always remember the Lord and the work He has done for me. To always remember how the Lord has delivered me and saved me. How the Lord has given me worth when I felt I had none. How the Lord has organized and been sovereign over the details of my life. Remember.

Remember. Re-member. Come together, Baptism is a covenant to come together, with knowledge of my true self, with my God, and with God's people. At baptism I covenanted to re-member myself to God, and God promised to always re-member me. God promised to never leave my side. I promised to never forget God's presence at my side. How intimate and holy.

At baptism, I also covenanted to re-member God's people, to be present and vulnerable and true with the communion of saints. To take God's people as they are. To pursue authentic community, not just superficial "Hi, how are you?" This might be what I have failed most at. I'm not really a people person, or so I like to say. We're all people persons. God made us that way, to live in community, to live in relationship, to live face-to-face with other humans. That's why we Christians often describe God as a community - Father, Son, Holy Spirit - because that description rings to true to a reality that we have experienced in our lives.



For the past six months, I have been working in a Methodist Children's Ministry. Teaching children who God is, helping them discover God's character for themselves, sharing stories of Jesus, trying to answer brilliant questions, and honoring the season of Advent and Lent as a community. This has all been a joy. I have had the opportunity to research and think deeply about what I believe, who I am, and where God may want me. I don't think I'm Methodist, and that's okay.

I have loved immersing myself deeply into the liturgical calendar, which I'd never given much thought to in the past. I love the cycle of honoring seasons and seasonal changes. Our God is the God of seasons. Our world has seasons, how can we worship a God without or live a life without seasons? I love the liturgical calendar for the rhythm it gives me, the way it grounds and centers me to thinking deeply about certain subjects. In Advent and Lent, we have meditated on darkness.

In Advent, the world was dark and waiting for light. And then - light came! Just after the winter solstice, as light is returning to earth, we celebrate the birth of God's Light in our world! Then we had a short season of meditating on the life of Jesus and the things he did in a mortal body just like mine. What wonderful stories.

And now, we rest in Lent. We wait for Easter. We wait for spring. We wait for resurrection. We wait for God to bring new life.

We wait for baptism. We wait for April showers and May flowers. We wait for God to bring a cleansing on our lives and on our world. We wait as God does work that we cannot see, trusting that work is being done and that we will see the May flowers.

Spring is a time of baptism. Easter is a time of baptism. I now see why the Catholic tradition baptizes yearly on Easter Sunday. It makes so much sense.




You're the God of Seasons, my Lord.
Through summer and winter, through desert and harvest, though Advent and Lent,
          You are there.
My Lord and my God, I trust that you are working, even when I cannot see.
Work in me, Lord. Work in me and work in my life. Let me be a tool in Your hands.
Bring life from death, and let me be a field hand to aid Your work in the lives of others.



Three Years.

Two Years

“Come, come ye saints, no toil nor labor fear, but with joy, wend your way.”

Two years.

This second year of membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has certainly not looked like I expected it would.

Two years.

Two years ago, on the day I was baptized, I believed I was making a commitment to God, this church, and to this gospel - the commitment to God being the most important, and the commitment to this church being an appendage to that, but not an integral part.

I believed that God had led me to this church and these principles - faith in a God who acts morally towards Their children and provides salvation from the ills of this life, and repentance of wrongs and ignorance with the possibility to grow and improve. I believed that God had led me, and I believed that God would continue to lead me. I did not assume that this day or this church was necessarily the last stop. I committed to following God wherever God led for my whole life - whether God intended to keep me in this church or not. My baptismal covenant - for ME, personally - was not a covenant to any church but a covenant with a living God who continues to speak to us.

This past year has not been like anything I would have imagined or chosen. It has surely been a year spent seeking God in God’s various forms. Trying desperately to find God’s voice. Learning about who God is, what God is like.

Two years.

The things I have learned about God in this second year are quite different than the things I learned about God in my first year. But they are also the same. I have learned that God is love. I have learned that God is present. I have learned that God is big - bigger than anything we can imagine in our tiny imperfect human minds.

On the day I was baptized, I received a small compass pendant. I wore this necklace daily as a sign and symbol of the commitments I'd made, as a reminder of my responsibilities and, more importantly, God’s promises. In the book of 1 Nephi, Lehi and his family use the Liahona to know where to go. God gives the Liahona power to show Lehi where to go as he has faith and is obedient to the commandments, as he does what is right. My necklace reminded me of this Liahona, and reminded me that as I was faithful and trusting, I would be led to know what to do. I believed that God had led me thus far, and that God would continue to show me whither I should go.

Two years.

Two years of trusting that I would always be led, as long as I sought guidance and listened.

Well, most of two years. There was a period during this second year that I did not believe that I would could be led. I don't know why this happened. I don't know if I was led during this time. I can't explain all the feelings that I had during that time, or why I had them - anger, confusion, sadness, hopelessness, loneliness. But I know again that I am guided by a light which resides deep within me, which can be heard when I cultivate stillness and practice the discipline of simply being.

I find moments of happiness. I find moments of wholeness. I find pieces of a confident trust in a power beyond myself. I hope.

I am not the same girl I was on the day of my baptism. I am not the same kind of Mormon I was the day I was baptized. However, my name is on the books and I hold to a hope that there is a power within and beyond us which beckons us forward and will deign to reveal to us what we should do - a power many call “God.” A power which created our world and our lives and is deeply invested in the happenings of our existence. A being who longs to see all of creation, “all nations, kindreds, tongues, and people” liberated from sin and darkness and united in love for one another.

Because I hold to this hope, because I believe in a God who continually gives new information to humanity, because I want to be a part of a community who encourages questions and seeks to learn what God would have them learn, because I love the story of a small boy with big questions who was brave enough and confident enough to ask God what’s what - because of all these things, I'll keep the “Mormon” label. And I'll end this in a characteristically Mormon fashion - with a testimony.

Today, on this two-year anniversary, I believe two things.

1. The day dawn is breaking.
2. We’ll find the place which God for us prepared.

I have this hope as an anchor for my soul.

One Year

It's been trying. Scary. Tearful. Blessed. I've had promises fulfilled. Hope restored. I've met my sisters. It's been difficult, but I've been strengthened..

Today, I am amazed. Baffled. Confused. Shocked.

I cannot believe that it has been one entire year since I became a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It seems like yesterday. SO much has happened in this first year of my life as a latter-day saint, that it seems like I haven't had time to breathe. I pick my head up, and it's been a year! What??

A lot has been going on, socially, mentally, emotionally. It has been a trying time. When I wrote about my baptism last spring, I said "He is a foundation 'whereon if men are built they cannot fall' (Helaman 5:12)." And I still believe that is true. I have built upon His rock for the last twelve months, and this has been the only way I could stand, keeping my head high, knowing that the battle is the Lord's (2 Chronicles 20:15).

I haven't always been filled with confidence, though. I haven't always proudly worn the name of Christ on my heart or in my actions. I haven't fully lived up to my covenant in the past year. There have been many times is didn't trust God, many times I doubted, many times I wanted to give up, many times I didn't "always remember [Christ] and times I didn't "keep His commandments" (D&C 20). THIS is why I am so grateful that the Atonement is infinite. The day of my baptism wasn't the one and only day of forgiveness for me. I get to repent and take the sacrament and be cleansed as many times as I need to. When I'm sincere and I'm trying, He will always forgive. When I fall, He will stand me up, dust me off, and say "Go on! Try again!"

"After learning to crawl and then stand, [our grandson] was ready to try walking. During his first few attempts, he fell, cried, and gave a look that said, “I will never—ever—try that again! I’m simply going to keep crawling.” When he stumbled and fell, his loving parents did not feel that he was hopeless or that he would never walk. Instead they held out their arms while calling to him, and with his eyes on them, he tried again to move toward their loving embrace. Loving parents are always ready with outstretched arms to welcome even our smallest step in the right direction. They know that our willingness to try and try again will lead to progress and success." 

(Your Next Step, Randall K. Bennett).

As long as we are willing to keep trying, He is willing to keep forgiving and keep helping us. This is a lesson I have been trying to learn over and over and over again this year. Just as earthly parents don't lose hope or give up on children learning to walk, our Savior and Heavenly Parents will never lose hope or give up on us. Heavenly Father looks at us and reminds us, "I'm always in your corner." He is ALWAYS there for us. He longs to help us.

Since I was baptized, I have faced many trials. But I have faced them, rather than running away. One of the biggest blessings the gospel has given me is the strength and hope to go on.

Heavenly Father has blessed me so much this year. He has taught me so much, gospel knowledge in the scriptures, and spiritual knowledge and assurances that come from Him in prayer. We are growing together, Heavenly Father and me. I'm learning more about Him and what He asks of me every day. I am so grateful that He chose me, that He called me out of darkness and despair into His marvelous light. I still have a lot to learn, and I'm grateful that our Father is a patient tutor. I want to be just like Him one day.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

Finally a Member

I am officially a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. And oh, what a joy it is to say that. I decided to be baptized in September of 2014, about seven months ago. For various reasons, I had to wait to be baptized.

I fasted to know when I should be baptized about two weeks ago, and received this inspired date. Even though it wasn't a long preparation time, I faced a lot of difficulties. Some very very important people to me, I learned, did not support my decision and would not be able to attend. My missionary, Sister A, got transferred out of my area. I received attacks from the adversary, thoughts of despair about not getting baptized on December 17 (a previous date I'd set for baptism, after a very intense spiritual experience). I was very upset that Sister O and Sister A, my most influential companionship, would not be in attendance. I felt like Heavenly Father was punishing me for not listening when He told me December 17. Sister A and Sister O both assured me that that's not how Heavenly Father works. I realized that these negative feelings were being sent by the adversary to drag me "down to the gulf of misery and endless wo" (Helaman 5:12). But I knew how long I'd waited for this, and I knew that Heavenly Father was telling me that this is what I needed to do, despite these worldly distractions. He steadied me. He is a foundation "whereon if men are built they cannot fall" (Helaman 5:12). 

After a lot of patience and diligence, we made it to March 28. It was surreal. I arrived at the church, and Sister D2 (our new missionary) braided my hair. Sister O facetimed me so we could talk and she could watch my baptism (she's been around since I first decided to be baptized last September, she knows the whole road). I got dressed and anxiously awaited the program. When friends, members of my heavenly family, began arriving we got straight to taking pictures with everyone. Sister A got permission to Skype in so she could "be" at my baptism, too. That was such a joy, to see her face and hear her voice after what felt like such a long time (two weeks kind of is a long time considering I very rarely go more than two days without seeing the missionaries). I was so happy that she got to share this special time with me. 

Our opening hymn was "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing," my favorite hymn, and one that I grew up singing in my Methodist church. It was like going home, and that song is a prayer I have often. As soon as we started singing, I just cried. I felt so incredibly blessed and so loved. My baptism wasn't announced in church meetings, so everyone there was personally invited. This room was filled with people who knew my journey and knew how long this road had been. It was so special to have these people supporting me and rejoicing with me for this gift of baptism that allows us to return to our Heavenly Father. 

The first talk was given by a dear friend in my ward, who is also a convert and received negative feedback from others when she decided to be baptized. She has such a sweet spirit and I always feel so loved when I spend time with her. I'm so grateful that this friend spoke at my baptism. 

Next we moved on to the actual ordinance. That was incredible. There aren't words to describe that experience. I was baptized by the husband of the couple who first taught me about the gospel. He's really been with me from the beginning (he also gave me my first priesthood blessing, when I was fasting about baptism last fall). That was such a special experience. 

The second talk was given by another dear friend, who I met in Institute the first week of last semester. I am so grateful for her. Following her, I stood and told my story and gave my testimony, per request of the bishop. 

I thought I was done crying, and I was excited to sing our closing hymn, "How Firm a Foundation." Unfortunately, I cried again, more happy tears. 

After the closing prayer, I took the iPad and iPhone with Sister A and Sister O on Skype/facetime. It was so sweet to be able to talk to my missionaries as I finally experienced this. I had been sad about not having them, but I was grateful to talk to them and feel loved by all four of my sister missionaries. Before I hung up with Sister O, she said "March 28 was your date." And I knew that was true. The concerns that I'd had about missing my date faded away, because I knew that March 28 was the right date.

I know that baptism into the Lord's Church is the way we can return to Him. I know that baptism is not a destination, but the beginning of a beautiful journey. I am so grateful for the time I had to wait for this, because it has taught me so many lessons. I am grateful for the missionaries who taught me and loved me enough to wait with me, and for the rest of my ward who supported me as I learned. I'm grateful for baptism itself, that is a vital step in my mortal journey, one step on the path of returning to my heavenly family. 

Officially Official

They were desirous to be baptized as a witness and a testimony that they were willing to serve God with all their hearts; nevertheless, they did prolong the time."

Mosiah 21:35

The first time I ever attended a worship service at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was a stake conference in February 2014. I was with a friend of mine. Early on, she leaned over and whispered, "Write down your questions and we can answer them after church." We went back to her house for lunch after. When she asked if I had any questions, I pulled out my notebook and exploded in questions. They answered my questions and told me about the Plan of Salvation, also known as the Plan of Happiness. I fell in love. My soul was overwhelmed by this. I knew that this plan, this is what I had been searching for. This is what my soul longed for. This knowledge would bring me happiness. After hours of questions and answers, they asked if I was interested in learning more or reading the Book of Mormon. I said yes absolutely! She offered me a Book of Mormon, and I was on my way. I read it all the time over the next week, recording my questions in my little notebook. The next Sunday, I went to church again, this time a regular service, and wrote down more questions. After church, we went back so they could answer my questions. As we were talking, I felt increasing desire to commit. Finally, I mustered up the courage to ask, "So, how do I do this?" I was ready to join this Church and commit myself to living its principles, even though I didn't know everything. I knew what I needed to know.

I now realize that I was feeling the Holy Ghost so incredibly strong those two Sundays. Now, just thinking about that time again, my soul burns fervently with the knowledge that this Plan is real. That day, I decided to be baptized. 

Unfortunately, my family and other complications prevented me from being baptized immediately. I also wasn't allowed to attend church on Sundays anymore. Soon enough, the adversary pulled me away completely. I decided that God did not exist. And I was done. 

Sister O invited me to "come unto Christ" (Moroni 10:32) after I had denied religion for several months, and again, I decided to be baptized. Again I faced pushback from my family. I knew that Heavenly Father wanted me to be baptized, but I also knew that He did not want me to tear my family apart in doing so. It was very hard for many months, but I used my resources - missionaries, teachers, and fellow YSAs - and did my best to follow the advice of the Book of Mormon prophet Nephi: "Wherefore, ye must press forward with asteadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life" (2 Nephi 31:20).

I waited. I pressed forward. I prayed for patience. I "did prolong the time." I hoped and prayed for the day when I would become a member of Christ's Church. I waited, and waited, and waited.

And finally, I'm done waiting. I will be baptized next Saturday, on March 28. It's officially official. And I could not be more excited to take this vital step. 

"8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

10 Now I say unto you, if this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being baptized in the nameof the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a covenant with him, that ye will serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you?

11 And now when the people had heard these words, they clapped their hands for joy, and exclaimed: This is the desire of our hearts.

12 And now it came to pass that Alma took Helam, he being one of the first, and went and stood forth in the water, and cried, saying: O Lord, pour out thy Spirit upon thy servant, that he may do this work with holiness of heart.

13 And when he had said these words, the Spirit of the Lord was upon him, and he said: Helam, I baptize thee, having authority from the Almighty God, as a testimony that ye have entered into a covenant to serve him until you are dead as to the mortal body; and may the Spirit of the Lord be poured out upon you; and may he grant unto you eternal life, through the redemption of Christ, whom he has prepared from the foundation of the world."

Mosiah 18:8-13