One Year

It's been trying. Scary. Tearful. Blessed. I've had promises fulfilled. Hope restored. I've met my sisters. It's been difficult, but I've been strengthened..

Today, I am amazed. Baffled. Confused. Shocked.

I cannot believe that it has been one entire year since I became a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It seems like yesterday. SO much has happened in this first year of my life as a latter-day saint, that it seems like I haven't had time to breathe. I pick my head up, and it's been a year! What??

A lot has been going on, socially, mentally, emotionally. It has been a trying time. When I wrote about my baptism last spring, I said "He is a foundation 'whereon if men are built they cannot fall' (Helaman 5:12)." And I still believe that is true. I have built upon His rock for the last twelve months, and this has been the only way I could stand, keeping my head high, knowing that the battle is the Lord's (2 Chronicles 20:15).

I haven't always been filled with confidence, though. I haven't always proudly worn the name of Christ on my heart or in my actions. I haven't fully lived up to my covenant in the past year. There have been many times is didn't trust God, many times I doubted, many times I wanted to give up, many times I didn't "always remember [Christ] and times I didn't "keep His commandments" (D&C 20). THIS is why I am so grateful that the Atonement is infinite. The day of my baptism wasn't the one and only day of forgiveness for me. I get to repent and take the sacrament and be cleansed as many times as I need to. When I'm sincere and I'm trying, He will always forgive. When I fall, He will stand me up, dust me off, and say "Go on! Try again!"

"After learning to crawl and then stand, [our grandson] was ready to try walking. During his first few attempts, he fell, cried, and gave a look that said, “I will never—ever—try that again! I’m simply going to keep crawling.” When he stumbled and fell, his loving parents did not feel that he was hopeless or that he would never walk. Instead they held out their arms while calling to him, and with his eyes on them, he tried again to move toward their loving embrace. Loving parents are always ready with outstretched arms to welcome even our smallest step in the right direction. They know that our willingness to try and try again will lead to progress and success." 

(Your Next Step, Randall K. Bennett).

As long as we are willing to keep trying, He is willing to keep forgiving and keep helping us. This is a lesson I have been trying to learn over and over and over again this year. Just as earthly parents don't lose hope or give up on children learning to walk, our Savior and Heavenly Parents will never lose hope or give up on us. Heavenly Father looks at us and reminds us, "I'm always in your corner." He is ALWAYS there for us. He longs to help us.

Since I was baptized, I have faced many trials. But I have faced them, rather than running away. One of the biggest blessings the gospel has given me is the strength and hope to go on.

Heavenly Father has blessed me so much this year. He has taught me so much, gospel knowledge in the scriptures, and spiritual knowledge and assurances that come from Him in prayer. We are growing together, Heavenly Father and me. I'm learning more about Him and what He asks of me every day. I am so grateful that He chose me, that He called me out of darkness and despair into His marvelous light. I still have a lot to learn, and I'm grateful that our Father is a patient tutor. I want to be just like Him one day.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

The Miracle of the Holy Bible

When I was a child, my family attended a Methodist church. I don't have many strong memories of my time there. In the Methodist church, when members have a child, he is usually baptized as an infant, and attends confirmation class in middle school, at which time he has the opportunity to choose to become a full member of the local church, or not. I remember going to confirmation class, and not learning anything I felt substantial enough to make my decision. I remember asking my pastor, "What if I say no? Am I allowed to say no?' He told me I could, but in the end I said yes because I knew everyone wanted me to. I became a full member of my local church, but my heart wasn't in it. I wasn't sure of what I should do.

After, I remember going on retreats and trips to serve others in the summer through my middle school years. I remember being frustrated with the Sunday School program, and complaining that they didn't teach us anything. I remember not knowing how to pray, and wanting something more out of my faith.

I can also remember, for a long time, having issue with the compilation and canonization of the Bible. I can remember thinking and saying things like, "Who do they think they are? These guys that put the Bible together, what right did they have to choose?" and "What if they put something in that wasn't supposed to be in? What if they left out something really important?" For a long time, I didn't find the Bible reliable because of the method in which it was compiled - all these separate documents for hundreds of years, then put together by a conference of people who thought they had power. Some people assured me that they were "inspired" in choosing books, but how could I know that?

This problem, and MANY others led me to stop attending church services when I was in the 10th grade. Which meant the end of all religious activity, because I had not been encouraged to pray or study the Bible on my own. 

The next few years of my life were really dark, for many reasons. I had stopped believing in God altogether, and decided that all religion was, for lack of a better word, crap. I thought it was dumb, not true, and I no longer saw why anyone believed it. The invalidity of it all was so real that it astounded me that anyone believed. In one of my high school classes, we watched a video in which one of the participants stated "The strongest atheists are those who were once Christians." And I thought, Yep. That's true. Because it was me. 

Now, I realize that I didn't leave religion because it was all bad, but because I hadn't been taught the whole truth. Parts, but I didn't have all the answers.

Exodus 14:13-14

The first Sunday I attended a service at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I had a discussion with some members and was given a copy of the Book of Mormon. That day and that week, as I began reading, I knew it was true. Absolutely. Completely. Unequivocally. I knew this was it, this is what I'd been looking for and longing for. These were the answers I needed, the things that were left out of my lessons as a child. 

"All things have been done in the wisdom of Him who knoweth all things." 

2 Nephi 2:24

I had long wondered why God sent prophets so long ago and just stopped - Did He think we didn't need Him anymore? Did He stop caring? Anyone looking at this world knows we still need guidance. And here it was, in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. A prophet living today. God did care and knew we needed His guidance! I wondered about the compilation of the Bible. And here was a record compiled by a prophet of God - someone who was certainly authorized to decide what to keep and what to leave out, someone most certainly inspired. 

As I grew in my knowledge and testimony of the Restored gospel, I studied for hours and hours the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the words of our modern-day prophets. I loved it. I couldn't get enough. 

However, I didn't study the Bible on my own, and only looked to it when the missionaries, church teachers, or church leaders pointed to it. I only believed the verses our prophets quoted. Many of my former thoughts about the Bible remained - that its compilation was invalid, that it was immensely corrupted, that it was unreliable, and that I didn't really need to concern myself with reading it. I wouldn't have minded if the Church threw the Bible out, personally. I didn't need it. 

Then I came across this talk: "The Miracle of the Holy Bible," by M. Russell Ballard (now on my list of Favorite Talks). He says: 

"It is a miracle that we have the Bible’s powerful doctrine, principles, poetry, and stories. But most of all, it is a wonderful miracle that we have the account of the life, ministry, and words of Jesus, which was protected through the Dark Ages and through the conflicts of countless generations so that we may have it today. It is a miracle that the Bible literally contains within its pages the converting, healing Spirit of Christ, which has turned men’s hearts for centuries, leading them to pray, to choose right paths, and to search to find their Savior."

Okay, I guess that is pretty good. Without the Bible, we wouldn't have this unbroken line of belief in Christ, this worldwide community of Bible-believers who have turned to Christ because of its pages, looking to ancient prophets when we didn't have living ones. If not for the Bible, Joseph Smith wouldn't have been seeking the true church, he wouldn't have known who Christ was, he wouldn't have learned character and strength from its pages, or read James 1:5 - "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."

Joseph Smith - History 1:25

Elder Ballard, a man whom we sustain as a prophet, seer, and revelator said this: "It is not by chance or coincidence that we have the Bible today. Righteous individuals were prompted by the Spirit to record both the sacred things they saw and the inspired words they heard and spoke. Other devoted people were prompted to protect and preserve these records. Men like John Wycliffe, the courageous William Tyndale, and Johannes Gutenberg were prompted against much opposition to translate the Bible into language people could understand and to publish it in books people could read. I believe even the scholars of King James had spiritual promptings in their translation work" (emphasis added). These words, by someone whom I know is a prophet, soothed my soul slightly regarding the reliability of the Bible - he testified that the Bible was written, compiled, preserved, and translated by individuals who were inspired by the Holy Ghost. 

"I bear solemn witness that we are true and full believers in the Lord Jesus Christ 

and in His revealed word through the Holy Bible."

I can trust his testimony, and he says this book is important. If a prophet says it's important, I guess that's good enough for me. 

"[The Bible] is one of the pillars of our faith, a powerful witness of the Savior and of Christ’s ongoing influence in the lives of those who worship and follow Him. The more we read and study the Bible and its teachings, the more clearly we see the doctrinal underpinnings of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. We tend to love the scriptures that we spend time with. We may need to balance our study in order to love and understand all scripture. You young people especially, do not discount or devalue the Holy Bible. It is the sacred, holy record of the Lord’s life. . . . Those who join this Church do not give up their faith in the Bible—they strengthen it. The Book of Mormon does not dilute nor diminish nor de-emphasize the Bible. On the contrary, it expands, extends, and exalts it. The Book of Mormon testifies of the Bible, and both testify of Christ."

Finally a Member

I am officially a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. And oh, what a joy it is to say that. I decided to be baptized in September of 2014, about seven months ago. For various reasons, I had to wait to be baptized.

I fasted to know when I should be baptized about two weeks ago, and received this inspired date. Even though it wasn't a long preparation time, I faced a lot of difficulties. Some very very important people to me, I learned, did not support my decision and would not be able to attend. My missionary, Sister A, got transferred out of my area. I received attacks from the adversary, thoughts of despair about not getting baptized on December 17 (a previous date I'd set for baptism, after a very intense spiritual experience). I was very upset that Sister O and Sister A, my most influential companionship, would not be in attendance. I felt like Heavenly Father was punishing me for not listening when He told me December 17. Sister A and Sister O both assured me that that's not how Heavenly Father works. I realized that these negative feelings were being sent by the adversary to drag me "down to the gulf of misery and endless wo" (Helaman 5:12). But I knew how long I'd waited for this, and I knew that Heavenly Father was telling me that this is what I needed to do, despite these worldly distractions. He steadied me. He is a foundation "whereon if men are built they cannot fall" (Helaman 5:12). 

After a lot of patience and diligence, we made it to March 28. It was surreal. I arrived at the church, and Sister D2 (our new missionary) braided my hair. Sister O facetimed me so we could talk and she could watch my baptism (she's been around since I first decided to be baptized last September, she knows the whole road). I got dressed and anxiously awaited the program. When friends, members of my heavenly family, began arriving we got straight to taking pictures with everyone. Sister A got permission to Skype in so she could "be" at my baptism, too. That was such a joy, to see her face and hear her voice after what felt like such a long time (two weeks kind of is a long time considering I very rarely go more than two days without seeing the missionaries). I was so happy that she got to share this special time with me. 

Our opening hymn was "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing," my favorite hymn, and one that I grew up singing in my Methodist church. It was like going home, and that song is a prayer I have often. As soon as we started singing, I just cried. I felt so incredibly blessed and so loved. My baptism wasn't announced in church meetings, so everyone there was personally invited. This room was filled with people who knew my journey and knew how long this road had been. It was so special to have these people supporting me and rejoicing with me for this gift of baptism that allows us to return to our Heavenly Father. 

The first talk was given by a dear friend in my ward, who is also a convert and received negative feedback from others when she decided to be baptized. She has such a sweet spirit and I always feel so loved when I spend time with her. I'm so grateful that this friend spoke at my baptism. 

Next we moved on to the actual ordinance. That was incredible. There aren't words to describe that experience. I was baptized by the husband of the couple who first taught me about the gospel. He's really been with me from the beginning (he also gave me my first priesthood blessing, when I was fasting about baptism last fall). That was such a special experience. 

The second talk was given by another dear friend, who I met in Institute the first week of last semester. I am so grateful for her. Following her, I stood and told my story and gave my testimony, per request of the bishop. 

I thought I was done crying, and I was excited to sing our closing hymn, "How Firm a Foundation." Unfortunately, I cried again, more happy tears. 

After the closing prayer, I took the iPad and iPhone with Sister A and Sister O on Skype/facetime. It was so sweet to be able to talk to my missionaries as I finally experienced this. I had been sad about not having them, but I was grateful to talk to them and feel loved by all four of my sister missionaries. Before I hung up with Sister O, she said "March 28 was your date." And I knew that was true. The concerns that I'd had about missing my date faded away, because I knew that March 28 was the right date.

I know that baptism into the Lord's Church is the way we can return to Him. I know that baptism is not a destination, but the beginning of a beautiful journey. I am so grateful for the time I had to wait for this, because it has taught me so many lessons. I am grateful for the missionaries who taught me and loved me enough to wait with me, and for the rest of my ward who supported me as I learned. I'm grateful for baptism itself, that is a vital step in my mortal journey, one step on the path of returning to my heavenly family. 

Officially Official

They were desirous to be baptized as a witness and a testimony that they were willing to serve God with all their hearts; nevertheless, they did prolong the time."

Mosiah 21:35

The first time I ever attended a worship service at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was a stake conference in February 2014. I was with a friend of mine. Early on, she leaned over and whispered, "Write down your questions and we can answer them after church." We went back to her house for lunch after. When she asked if I had any questions, I pulled out my notebook and exploded in questions. They answered my questions and told me about the Plan of Salvation, also known as the Plan of Happiness. I fell in love. My soul was overwhelmed by this. I knew that this plan, this is what I had been searching for. This is what my soul longed for. This knowledge would bring me happiness. After hours of questions and answers, they asked if I was interested in learning more or reading the Book of Mormon. I said yes absolutely! She offered me a Book of Mormon, and I was on my way. I read it all the time over the next week, recording my questions in my little notebook. The next Sunday, I went to church again, this time a regular service, and wrote down more questions. After church, we went back so they could answer my questions. As we were talking, I felt increasing desire to commit. Finally, I mustered up the courage to ask, "So, how do I do this?" I was ready to join this Church and commit myself to living its principles, even though I didn't know everything. I knew what I needed to know.

I now realize that I was feeling the Holy Ghost so incredibly strong those two Sundays. Now, just thinking about that time again, my soul burns fervently with the knowledge that this Plan is real. That day, I decided to be baptized. 

Unfortunately, my family and other complications prevented me from being baptized immediately. I also wasn't allowed to attend church on Sundays anymore. Soon enough, the adversary pulled me away completely. I decided that God did not exist. And I was done. 

Sister O invited me to "come unto Christ" (Moroni 10:32) after I had denied religion for several months, and again, I decided to be baptized. Again I faced pushback from my family. I knew that Heavenly Father wanted me to be baptized, but I also knew that He did not want me to tear my family apart in doing so. It was very hard for many months, but I used my resources - missionaries, teachers, and fellow YSAs - and did my best to follow the advice of the Book of Mormon prophet Nephi: "Wherefore, ye must press forward with asteadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life" (2 Nephi 31:20).

I waited. I pressed forward. I prayed for patience. I "did prolong the time." I hoped and prayed for the day when I would become a member of Christ's Church. I waited, and waited, and waited.

And finally, I'm done waiting. I will be baptized next Saturday, on March 28. It's officially official. And I could not be more excited to take this vital step. 

"8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

10 Now I say unto you, if this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being baptized in the nameof the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a covenant with him, that ye will serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you?

11 And now when the people had heard these words, they clapped their hands for joy, and exclaimed: This is the desire of our hearts.

12 And now it came to pass that Alma took Helam, he being one of the first, and went and stood forth in the water, and cried, saying: O Lord, pour out thy Spirit upon thy servant, that he may do this work with holiness of heart.

13 And when he had said these words, the Spirit of the Lord was upon him, and he said: Helam, I baptize thee, having authority from the Almighty God, as a testimony that ye have entered into a covenant to serve him until you are dead as to the mortal body; and may the Spirit of the Lord be poured out upon you; and may he grant unto you eternal life, through the redemption of Christ, whom he has prepared from the foundation of the world."

Mosiah 18:8-13

Our Heavenly Father Lives and Loves Us

"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage."

-We Bought a Zoo

I began investigating the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints just over a year ago now. I knew immediately what I had been taught was true. Unfortunately, after a few weeks, the adversary got a hold of me and I turned away. I went home from college for the summer and had nothing to do with the Church, or any religion at all.

When I was packing to move back to college in the fall, I had a feeling that I should bring my Bible and my Book of Mormon and my Gospel Principles book (a study book that outlines basic doctrines of the Church). So I did. What could it hurt? Maybe I'd go back. Life was pretty bad.

 Soon after I had returned to campus, my life changed. A friend from the previous year told me about Institute, and offered to go with me the first week (even though she'd graduated the previous semester). I said okay, whatever. The sister missionaries texted me, and asked if I wanted to meet with them (I later learned that this bubbly new girl insisted they contact me after months of no communication. Boy was she inspired!). I met them on a Wednesday. Sister O, my angel, my life-changer, my incredible girl, asked me if I believed that God was my Father in heaven. I said no. I didn't believe that a god existed. Not at all. But they kept talking about God and prophets and the Restoration (click here to learn about all of that) because I said I'd meet with them. We finished, and they asked me if I was going to Institute right after, and I said yes. They said they were going, too.

At Institute, we were asked to take an assessment that would show Church headquarters what we knew before taking the class. The first part was doctrinal questions, testing our knowledge. The second part was faith-based questions - "Do you believe that God is our Heavenly Father?" "Do you believe that Jesus Christ, the Only Begotten of the Father, came to earth and atoned for our sins?" Things like that. I answered no for every single questions. Because I didn't believe in any of that.

I continued meeting with the missionaries and attending Institute. I remember sitting in a study room of the library one day, hopeless, the missionaries across the table from me. They asked if I'd prayed about what they'd been teaching me. I remember saying that I felt like I was stopping myself from believing. I wanted to believe, but it was too hard. And then my angel shared a scripture with me. Alma 32:27 :

"But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words."

And Sister O said, "Do you have a desire to believe?" And tears started falling down my cheeks and I said yes. She challenged me to do as this scripture suggests - "awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words." She challenged me to try it out. Pretend like God was real, to see if He is.

I remembered learning about the Word of Wisdom, the Lord's law of health. In this law, He asks us to refrain from certain substances, and partake of others. One thing we are commanded to abstain from is coffee. So I decided I'd stop drinking coffee, just in case. And I'd try to pray. I began reading the Book of Mormon daily. I wanted to know.

Within a week I decided that I wanted to be baptized. Just as quickly as I had known before, I knew again. I knew that God lives and loves us.

I know that God lives and loves us. I know that He has a magnificent plan for our lives, currently and eternally. I know that all of our experiences are used to make us stronger and better and more like Him. I know that He wants us to know Him, He wants us to go to Him and ask Him for help. I know that Heavenly Father reveals Himself through prophets, and that His words are recorded in the holy scriptures. 

And this knowledge is so, so sweet.