What will this Season Hold?

This is a loaded time of year for me.

Halloween 2012 sits in my memory as the day my eating disorder shifted from a creeping crawl to a sprint. I had just gone away to boarding school, and my parents sent a package of treats just in time for the holiday. That night, I shared these with my roommates. I remember the overwhelming guilt and shame as I realized that I was eating far too much (forgetting, of course, that I was with friends, all eating the same amount as me). Humiliated and mortified, I concluded that I had eaten enough for this day and the next - no, two days more - no, three days more. The next morning, I fasted.

October 2018: I teach a Sunday School lesson on Reformation Sunday, my first as what would become Interim Children's Ministries Director at the church where I worked as an assistant. We didn't have a curriculum that year, so part of my job was to gather disparate lessons and 4-week curricula off of the internet and create large group and small group lessons for our 1st-4th graders. In November, we discussed gratitude - on All Saints Day, gratitude for the church universal; on Veterans Day, gratitude for our country, our military, and our God who "always has our 6" (I've linked the video at the end); during International Bible Week, gratitude for the God's word. We finished November celebrating Christ the King Sunday, the Sunday preceding Advent, preceding our wait for a humble babe, honoring the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. The King of Heaven, grand and majestic, will become a babe for our sakes. Then we went into Advent - we talked about the symbolism of green and red, or pink and purple, of the Christmas tree and Christmas wreath and Christmas lights, all pointing to Jesus. We talked about God's gifts to us in Jesus - hope, love, joy, peace. We waited for our king. It was a beautiful, wonderful time.

During those same months, my grandmother was dying. In her final weeks, I basically moved in to spend as much time with her as possible. I have fond memories of us all gathering in her bed in the evening, watching game shows, working on college papers, eating ice cream. It was a beautiful, wonderful time.

September 2019: I am a graduate student. It is far more stressful than I imagined it would be. One evening, I miss dinner. When I wake up in the morning, the switch has flipped. I'm back in my eating disorder. I fight and give in and fight and give in all fall. During December and January, my weight plummets. I am hospitalized as a suicide risk. I enter intensive treatment for my eating disorder.

This year, I find myself torn. I have held my breath - this is the time in the semester when I started restricting again. This is the time in the semester when I started getting behind in my work. I worry that last year will repeat itself. Halloween approaches - this holiday difficult every year.

At the same time, my heart jumps wen I see "All Saints' Day" on the calendar, when I picture my Jesus, Christ the King, enthroned in glory, when I consider how I will observe Advent.

My heart rejoices, and my heart sorrows. There is both. Both are real. I wonder what this season will bring.

Faith is for the Future

“There are better things ahead than any we leave behind.”

C. S. Lewis

Yesterday, I traveled back to my college town to visit friends and attend my high school's graduation. It was a good day. I had lunch with Sister M and Sister D2, went to graduation, and visited my surrogate parents. I so enjoyed seeing everyone. When I said goodbye to the sisters, I said "Oh man, this is like leaving all over again." It was almost like ripping open a healing wound. Today, I have thought of them and Sister A constantly. I miss all three of them. I'm not thriving in my new ward as I was before; I don't know anyone, I don't feel at home. I loved them, I loved spending time with them, I was home in that city.

Today, I was reading in Genesis. I came across the story of Lot's wife. I remembered a talk on my "to read" list by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "Faith is for the Future: 'Remember Lot's Wife.'" In Genesis 19, God commanded Lot and his family to flee Sodom, to leave a lot of things behind in that city. And Lot's wife looked back. "She wasn't just looking back; in her heart she wanted to go back. . . . It is possible that Lot’s wife looked back with resentment toward the Lord for what He was asking her to leave behind. We certainly know that Laman and Lemuel were resentful when Lehi and his family were commanded to leave Jerusalem. So it isn’t just that she looked back; she looked back longingly. In short, her attachment to the past outweighed her confidence in the future. . . . I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone, nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. . . . she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had."

I have been looking back. I have been longing to return to the past, to the days in my college town with Sister A and Sister M and Sister D2. I have been resentful. My attachment to the past, though it was a very good time, has caused me to forget the glorious future that God has planned for me. Elder Holland was talking to me when he said "she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had." I have been doubting God's ability to bring me something better than I have had. But I know that He brought me here for a wonderful purpose, here with my family.

Today, I'm looking forward. Faith is for the future. God has promised to transform us and bring us a future better than anything we've had before, better than anything we can imagine. Though I have had good things in my past, I have to remember that things will only get better as long as I am following the Lord's plan for my life.

In his address, Elder Holland shared a story from early in his marriage. Money was tight, he and his wife worked all the time, and he wondered if finishing college was worth it. His wife, smart woman that she is, said: "We are not going back. We are not going home. The future holds everything for us." I am taking Sister Holland's advice. I am not going back to those days with Sister A and Sister M. I am not going back to my college town. I am not going back to my home ward. I am moving forward. "Faith is for the future." I am trusting in God's plan for my future.

"Live to see the miracles of repentance and forgiveness, or trust and divine love that will transform your life today, tomorrow, and forever. . . . I leave a blessing on you--every one of you--to be able to do so and to be happy, in the name of Him who makes it all possible, even the Lord Jesus Christ, Amen."

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Decorating, Dancing, and Other Life Things

Wow! Again, I have been so busy. Lots has been going on.

For about two weeks, I've been working in our home (painting in my parents' bathroom, moving furniture in my and my sister's room, and decorating) every day. It's been a task! My room is almost done (I'm just waiting on my desk, which I'm inheriting from my aunt). It's really exciting and I'm loving the change of scenery. I also hooked up my TV and Pac-Man game from my dorm room, so the siblings have loved hanging out in my room and playing games.

Since it's the end of the school year, I went to my brother and sister's awards programs this week. After each, my grandma took them and me out for an afternoon of whatever they wanted to do. With my brother, he chose lunch at Popeye's (crazy kid), and we saw the movie Home, which was so cute. On my sister's day, we shopped a bit and ate at Olive Garden.

Since the university here doesn't offer dance classes over the summer (encouraging students to attend dance intensive programs around the country), I've been trying to figure out what I'm going to do dance-wise over the summer. This past semester, I've really missed doing contemporary/modern things. The two master classes at my university this spring were both contemporary, and I loved them. Watching my little sister's dance recital a couple weeks ago, which included a lot of contemporary jazz, made me think about this again and really want to do some of that. I started googling and found ONE adult contemporary jazz class in our city (crazy). My mom and I attended a free trial class this past Wednesday, and I loved it! The class is small and personal, enriching, and a great price. I am so looking forward to taking this class over the summer!

Reading: ugh. I started a book probably about two weeks ago now (right after I finished my last one), and I am not really liking it. At all. So it's really hard to read. Not sure if I want to finish it or give it up and move on. Such a tough choice. I'm over halfway done with my second read through the Book of Mormon, which is pretty exciting! I also have a goal of reading the whole Bible by the end of next summer. So far, that's going pretty well, too!

And the most exciting news - tomorrow, I'm going back to my high school/college town to see some of my friends graduate high school, and I'm having lunch with my Sister missionaries! I am so excited to see them again and hear their voices and give them hugs!!

It's exciting and busy down here in my life. Praying that you are doing well, too!

My Move Home

"Where the Lord plants us, there we are to stand; when He requires us to exert ourselves for the support of these holy principles, that we are to do; that is all we need to trouble ourselves about; the rest our Heavenly Father will take care of."

Lorenzo Snow

Wow. It has been ages since I posted. Life has gotten me good. Over the past two weeks, I have been super busy with school finishing up my semester, packing up my dorm, saying goodbyes, and actually moving home, then working on cleaning and redecorating my bedroom. My days have been packed to say the least. 

Again in this post I'll talk about how grateful I am for priesthood blessings. I asked if the elders (boy missionaries) could come over and give me a blessing before I left for home, just for extra strength during this transition. This week we got a new elder in my college town, and he was the one who gave my blessing. And I was reminded how great the priesthood is, and that these blessing really do come from Heavenly Father, because it didn't matter at all that I'd just met this person. The blessing was perfect. 

Good news! Sister D2, who is currently serving in my college town ward, started her mission in my family's city. Which means she knows everyone in my new ward, because it's her old ward. She's told people to be on the lookout and take care of me. I was able to attend church in my home city last weekend and this weekend, when I met three or four couples who all know who I am from D2's emails. I am feeling okay about it. Not great, because it's not home yet, but okay. This ward is also a LOT bigger than what I came from, so that will take some adjusting. Overall, I think the switch will be okay. 

I am so grateful for email, so the Sisters in my college ward can keep me posted on the investigators up there (two ladies just set dates for baptism, and I am so excited for both of them!). 

I also still love being able to talk to Sister A and hear about her investigators and companions. I really love that Sister A still helps me, whether she realizes it or not. This week, she really helped me feel more confident about my transition and my family. I'm the only member of the Church in my family. I love the gospel very much, and I want to share this experience with these people because I love them and I know they'd love it, too. But it's been hard. At college, we had family home evening with all the college kids whose families were far away. My little sister at home knew that we always had "Monday dinners at TK's." When I announced that I was moving home, she asked "What about Monday dinner's at TK's?" My dad answered, "We can have Monday dinner here" - great! I was hoping to hold FHE here, and it was looking like it was going to work out! I told Sister A, and she said "FHE THAT IS SO EXCITING. They're going to make it one day. I know it. One day. Just keep watching and waiting." I also told about my uneasiness about my new ward, to which she replied, "I know that you will find your place in your new ward. It will take time and trust and patience and hope and all those wonderful things that Christ taught us how to be, but you will find your place." She's the best.

Now, I'm starting to believe for myself that things will work out here. The ward has been okay, my family has been okay, and every day the Spirit reminds me that I'm supposed to be here with my family. I know that families are important to Heavenly Father. It brings me joy to know that I am doing what He wants me to do here.

Sometimes, Heavenly Father asks us to do hard things. But I know that when He does, He will be with us every step of the way, leading us on to victory.

God gave us families to help us become what He wants us to be—

This is how He shares His love, for the fam’ly is of God.

"The Family is of God," Matthew Neeley

Hard Things

I've been attending college in a small town for years. Its Southern charm always gets me. The trees, the food, the mom-and-pop businesses. What I love most about this city, though, is the people - my people. Over the years I've created bonds with so many people. This is my hometown. This is home. I have so much family here. This is where my classmates are, my best friends. This is where I found the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. This is where I received my first Book of Mormon, this is where I met the missionaries, this is where I found and nurtured my sprouting testimony, this is where I was baptized. This is my core.

For the past few months, I have felt prompted to move home to be with my family. So I'm listening. But honestly, I'm very nervous. I don't know anyone in my old city. I've never been to the ward (local congregation of members) there, either. I'm starting from scratch. My family doesn't get along as great as we should right now (maybe part of why I need to go back?), so I'm stressed about that. Basically, I'm worried about a lot of things.

However, as I've made these plans, I am remembering to have faith. Faith in what my Heavenly Father is asking me to do, faith in my ability to hear Him, and faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ to give me strength through these hard times. Faith over fear.

Henry B. Eyring said "If you are on the right path, it will always be uphill" (link). I know that we are on this earth to learn and to be tested. If life was always easy, we wouldn't learn. If Heavenly Father only asked us to do easy things, we'd never grow. The things is, God never asks us to do something that we can't do without His help. He might ask us to do something that is beyond our individual capacity, but when He does, He stands ready to help us. Because "in His strength [we] can do all things" (Alma 26:12).

In this life, we will have to deal with hard things, whether they come about due to our own sin, the sin of others, the fact that we live in a fallen world, or Heavenly Father giving them to us. Hard things is the whole point of us being here. But I know that Heavenly Father will not let us be tried above what we can bear. He is there every step of the way, encouraging, sustaining, uplifting us.

I know that He will help me accomplish the thing He's asked me to do (1 Nephi 3:7). Whatever trials you're facing right now, I know He can help you through, too. I know that He will help you if you ask Him. He stands ready to help, just waiting for you to ask. May we all seek His help, for if we seek, we will receive.



(To learn more about why we're here on earth, click here.)

Contemporary Master Class!

My university is hosting a Guest Artist (choreographer) today and tomorrow. As a dance major, I am required to attend guest artists. And today, I am so thankful for that requirement!

I was feeling sick when I went to my tap class at 2:00, not looking forward to dancing. I felt like I was going to vomit. When 4:00 rolled around and it was time for our contemporary master class, I still wasn't feeling too great. But I went. It's been months since I did contemporary dance (actually, almost a year, I didn't realize it had been that long!). The teacher started warming us up, and I was feeling good. He was upbeat and very energized. But then he got really hard! He had us standing with our legs making a triangle, our body facing one leg and stretching forward. He had us pick our leg up to penché, which was fine and typical. But THEN, he had us do elevés while we were stretching our penchés, and then faster elevés, and then relevés. It was KILLER. My Achilles tendon hurt so bad! (I have weak ankles) So basically, the during the second half of our warm up, I thought I was dying.

Once we were good and sweaty and stretched out, he started with the choreography. It was really hard in the beginning, but I did my best to pick it up. The song was "Take Me to Church." Contemporary is always filled with emotion, I think more than ballet or tap. Maybe it's just different kinds of emotion. Tap is usually happy, and ballet is usually happy or sad, simple emotions. Contemporary is like, dig deep into your soul and feel those icky weird feelings and long for things and reach for the things that just out of your grasp. And show it on your face and in your body. This was definitely a dance made to be filled with emotion and expression. Some of the choreography was really hard, but I mostly got the hang of it. 

We learned maybe a minute or so of choreography in less than an hour (really fast). He had us working so hard, that the mirrors in our dance studio were covered with sweat (think like when you get out of a hot shower) - gross! But we were working hard. 

I am so thankful that my university brings in these artists, and requires dance majors to attend! I wasn't planning on going to this class, but I am so glad that I did. I was reminded of why I love dance so much and I learned more about being an artist. I feel so blessed to have this experience, and to have been well enough mentally to experience it. 

If you ever have the opportunity to attend a master class, whether your a dancer or not, go! They are always worth it. 

Peace and blessings, friends <3