Halloween 2012 sits in my memory as the day my eating disorder shifted from a creeping crawl to a sprint. I had just gone away to boarding school, and my parents sent a package of treats just in time for the holiday. That night, I shared these with my roommates. I remember the overwhelming guilt and shame as I realized that I was eating far too much (forgetting, of course, that I was with friends, all eating the same amount as me). Humiliated and mortified, I concluded that I had eaten enough for this day and the next - no, two days more - no, three days more. The next morning, I fasted.
October 2018: I teach a Sunday School lesson on Reformation Sunday, my first as what would become Interim Children's Ministries Director at the church where I worked as an assistant. We didn't have a curriculum that year, so part of my job was to gather disparate lessons and 4-week curricula off of the internet and create large group and small group lessons for our 1st-4th graders. In November, we discussed gratitude - on All Saints Day, gratitude for the church universal; on Veterans Day, gratitude for our country, our military, and our God who "always has our 6" (I've linked the video at the end); during International Bible Week, gratitude for the God's word. We finished November celebrating Christ the King Sunday, the Sunday preceding Advent, preceding our wait for a humble babe, honoring the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. The King of Heaven, grand and majestic, will become a babe for our sakes. Then we went into Advent - we talked about the symbolism of green and red, or pink and purple, of the Christmas tree and Christmas wreath and Christmas lights, all pointing to Jesus. We talked about God's gifts to us in Jesus - hope, love, joy, peace. We waited for our king. It was a beautiful, wonderful time.
During those same months, my grandmother was dying. In her final weeks, I basically moved in to spend as much time with her as possible. I have fond memories of us all gathering in her bed in the evening, watching game shows, working on college papers, eating ice cream. It was a beautiful, wonderful time.
September 2019: I am a graduate student. It is far more stressful than I imagined it would be. One evening, I miss dinner. When I wake up in the morning, the switch has flipped. I'm back in my eating disorder. I fight and give in and fight and give in all fall. During December and January, my weight plummets. I am hospitalized as a suicide risk. I enter intensive treatment for my eating disorder.
This year, I find myself torn. I have held my breath - this is the time in the semester when I started restricting again. This is the time in the semester when I started getting behind in my work. I worry that last year will repeat itself. Halloween approaches - this holiday difficult every year.
At the same time, my heart jumps wen I see "All Saints' Day" on the calendar, when I picture my Jesus, Christ the King, enthroned in glory, when I consider how I will observe Advent.
My heart rejoices, and my heart sorrows. There is both. Both are real. I wonder what this season will bring.
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