Two Years

“Come, come ye saints, no toil nor labor fear, but with joy, wend your way.”

Two years.

This second year of membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has certainly not looked like I expected it would.

Two years.

Two years ago, on the day I was baptized, I believed I was making a commitment to God, this church, and to this gospel - the commitment to God being the most important, and the commitment to this church being an appendage to that, but not an integral part.

I believed that God had led me to this church and these principles - faith in a God who acts morally towards Their children and provides salvation from the ills of this life, and repentance of wrongs and ignorance with the possibility to grow and improve. I believed that God had led me, and I believed that God would continue to lead me. I did not assume that this day or this church was necessarily the last stop. I committed to following God wherever God led for my whole life - whether God intended to keep me in this church or not. My baptismal covenant - for ME, personally - was not a covenant to any church but a covenant with a living God who continues to speak to us.

This past year has not been like anything I would have imagined or chosen. It has surely been a year spent seeking God in God’s various forms. Trying desperately to find God’s voice. Learning about who God is, what God is like.

Two years.

The things I have learned about God in this second year are quite different than the things I learned about God in my first year. But they are also the same. I have learned that God is love. I have learned that God is present. I have learned that God is big - bigger than anything we can imagine in our tiny imperfect human minds.

On the day I was baptized, I received a small compass pendant. I wore this necklace daily as a sign and symbol of the commitments I'd made, as a reminder of my responsibilities and, more importantly, God’s promises. In the book of 1 Nephi, Lehi and his family use the Liahona to know where to go. God gives the Liahona power to show Lehi where to go as he has faith and is obedient to the commandments, as he does what is right. My necklace reminded me of this Liahona, and reminded me that as I was faithful and trusting, I would be led to know what to do. I believed that God had led me thus far, and that God would continue to show me whither I should go.

Two years.

Two years of trusting that I would always be led, as long as I sought guidance and listened.

Well, most of two years. There was a period during this second year that I did not believe that I would could be led. I don't know why this happened. I don't know if I was led during this time. I can't explain all the feelings that I had during that time, or why I had them - anger, confusion, sadness, hopelessness, loneliness. But I know again that I am guided by a light which resides deep within me, which can be heard when I cultivate stillness and practice the discipline of simply being.

I find moments of happiness. I find moments of wholeness. I find pieces of a confident trust in a power beyond myself. I hope.

I am not the same girl I was on the day of my baptism. I am not the same kind of Mormon I was the day I was baptized. However, my name is on the books and I hold to a hope that there is a power within and beyond us which beckons us forward and will deign to reveal to us what we should do - a power many call “God.” A power which created our world and our lives and is deeply invested in the happenings of our existence. A being who longs to see all of creation, “all nations, kindreds, tongues, and people” liberated from sin and darkness and united in love for one another.

Because I hold to this hope, because I believe in a God who continually gives new information to humanity, because I want to be a part of a community who encourages questions and seeks to learn what God would have them learn, because I love the story of a small boy with big questions who was brave enough and confident enough to ask God what’s what - because of all these things, I'll keep the “Mormon” label. And I'll end this in a characteristically Mormon fashion - with a testimony.

Today, on this two-year anniversary, I believe two things.

1. The day dawn is breaking.
2. We’ll find the place which God for us prepared.

I have this hope as an anchor for my soul.

One Year

It's been trying. Scary. Tearful. Blessed. I've had promises fulfilled. Hope restored. I've met my sisters. It's been difficult, but I've been strengthened..

Today, I am amazed. Baffled. Confused. Shocked.

I cannot believe that it has been one entire year since I became a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It seems like yesterday. SO much has happened in this first year of my life as a latter-day saint, that it seems like I haven't had time to breathe. I pick my head up, and it's been a year! What??

A lot has been going on, socially, mentally, emotionally. It has been a trying time. When I wrote about my baptism last spring, I said "He is a foundation 'whereon if men are built they cannot fall' (Helaman 5:12)." And I still believe that is true. I have built upon His rock for the last twelve months, and this has been the only way I could stand, keeping my head high, knowing that the battle is the Lord's (2 Chronicles 20:15).

I haven't always been filled with confidence, though. I haven't always proudly worn the name of Christ on my heart or in my actions. I haven't fully lived up to my covenant in the past year. There have been many times is didn't trust God, many times I doubted, many times I wanted to give up, many times I didn't "always remember [Christ] and times I didn't "keep His commandments" (D&C 20). THIS is why I am so grateful that the Atonement is infinite. The day of my baptism wasn't the one and only day of forgiveness for me. I get to repent and take the sacrament and be cleansed as many times as I need to. When I'm sincere and I'm trying, He will always forgive. When I fall, He will stand me up, dust me off, and say "Go on! Try again!"

"After learning to crawl and then stand, [our grandson] was ready to try walking. During his first few attempts, he fell, cried, and gave a look that said, “I will never—ever—try that again! I’m simply going to keep crawling.” When he stumbled and fell, his loving parents did not feel that he was hopeless or that he would never walk. Instead they held out their arms while calling to him, and with his eyes on them, he tried again to move toward their loving embrace. Loving parents are always ready with outstretched arms to welcome even our smallest step in the right direction. They know that our willingness to try and try again will lead to progress and success." 

(Your Next Step, Randall K. Bennett).

As long as we are willing to keep trying, He is willing to keep forgiving and keep helping us. This is a lesson I have been trying to learn over and over and over again this year. Just as earthly parents don't lose hope or give up on children learning to walk, our Savior and Heavenly Parents will never lose hope or give up on us. Heavenly Father looks at us and reminds us, "I'm always in your corner." He is ALWAYS there for us. He longs to help us.

Since I was baptized, I have faced many trials. But I have faced them, rather than running away. One of the biggest blessings the gospel has given me is the strength and hope to go on.

Heavenly Father has blessed me so much this year. He has taught me so much, gospel knowledge in the scriptures, and spiritual knowledge and assurances that come from Him in prayer. We are growing together, Heavenly Father and me. I'm learning more about Him and what He asks of me every day. I am so grateful that He chose me, that He called me out of darkness and despair into His marvelous light. I still have a lot to learn, and I'm grateful that our Father is a patient tutor. I want to be just like Him one day.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

Hello 2016!

Well, 2015 was a huge year for me. I met so many amazing people, was baptized, finished the Book of Mormon for the first time, moved out of my college town (best one in the country, if you ask me), received my first calling, and so, so much more. I experienced many trials, but was strengthened and taught by each one. It was a very full year.

I have learned so much. About myself emotionally, about my illnesses, how they work, and how to get through (sometimes). My mind has been fed; I have read so many good books and packed myself so full of knowledge that sometimes I thought my head might burst. I grew so much as a dancer and an artist (mostly in the spring, but that's still this year!).

Most importantly, though, my spirit has grown SO much. I have learned about prayer, about humility, about leaning on Christ, about the Atonement, about charity and loving everyone like Heavenly Father does. I've learned that everything God does is for good, even if we don't understand right away. I have learned that the most important thing we need to do in this life is endure, be diligent, persevere - Don't give up. All Heavenly Father asks is that we keep trying, that when we fall (and we will), we get back up and recommit. This is so important, that He tells us to do this every week: taking the sacrament. That's His promise to us every seven days - that when we fall, we can turn to Him and get back up. He'll always help us.

I have fallen a lot this year. A lot. I have made mistakes, I have doubted, I have lost faith. But I always find out that even though I wasn't faithful, He was. He is always faithful. This year has shown me so much about His faithfulness. He's the best at showing up. He always shows up. He's always there. We just have to open our eyes and look at Him.


I'm not a big fan of New Year's Resolutions. I never really made them in the past. But, as I've been attending Church, I'm learning the value of setting goals. This year, my goal is to see Him more.

In General Conference last October, Devin G. Durrant counseled members of the Church to "ponderize" a verse of scripture each week - "a combination of 80 percent extended pondering and 20 percent memorization" ("My Heart Pondereth Them Continually"). Like most, I found the concept intriguing. But, it never happened for me. I listened to this talk again a couple of days ago, and the Spirit prompted me to make a better effort to "write a new verse of scripture on [my] heart and mind."

As I have thought over this counsel and prompting, another thought has come into my mind: "The Spirit works with us at our own speed, one step at a time" (Larry L. Lawrence, "What Lack I Yet?"). In the Book of Mormon, King Benjamin also taught, "It is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize" (Mosiah 4:27).

Just as it did in October, ponderizing a new verse each week seemed really intimidating to me. I knew that if I ever missed a week of pondering, I would become discouraged and quit. So I continued thinking and sought the guidance of the Spirit for ideas of how I could follow this counsel at a speed that would work for me. 

I've decided to set a goal of ponderizing one verse each month. If I can do more than that, one each week, or two each month, I will. I feel confident in my goal, and feel that as I seek to grow closer to the Lord, I will. I know that this goal will help me to see the hand of God in my life more.

What goals are you setting this year? 

(source)

Well, Now I Have a Calling

Last Sunday, I accepted my first calling. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, all positions are assigned by revelation from the Lord, from the prophet and apostles down to Sunday School teachers and those who care for Church meetinghouses.

At church last week, my Bishop pulled me aside to extend to me a calling, to ask me to serve in our congregation. I had thought this was coming soon, but had no idea where I would be asked to serve. I was nervous, but having predicted a calling, I had prayed about it beforehand and decided that I would accept whatever the Bishop asked.

And then it came:

Primary teacher.

My jaw dropped to the floor. What a huge responsibility, I thought, shaping these little minds and possibly, depending on age, preparing them to make the decision to be baptized. Wow! I wrote in my journal, "I know that as I do my part to prepare, the Lord will magnify my efforts and make it enough. I'm not enough, but He is."

This week, I've had a bit of a struggle with my testimony. I continued to read the scriptures, though, especially the Book of Mormon and was daily reminded that I could not deny its truthfulness. I know that Book of Mormon is a true record, scripture sealed up to the Lord and delivered to us "in due time." The peace and understanding I experience when I read that cannot be replicated or explained any other way.

One afternoon, I opened the Church homepage. One of the stories near the top (here) was announcing the Primary theme for 2016, when I'll be teaching: "I Know the Scriptures are True." And I thought, wow. How amazing. That's the only thing I know right now, but I know it with all my heart. I can teach that.

By yesterday evening, my worries and concerns had resurfaced. I was unsure of my abilities, and thought that maybe I shouldn't have accepted the calling. I arrived to church early this morning to try to talk to a member of the bishopric about it before my calling would be presented to the congregation. I thought I might back out. I did not, and was sustained by the congregation during sacrament meeting. It was pretty scary.

I spent sacrament meeting trying to rapidly assemble my testimony and get back on my feet. A great friend, and one of my former missionaries, was a precious help to me, just like she was all those months ago. I wrote, "I'm keeping my anchor in the scriptures. I know the scriptures are true, without a doubt." I kept coming back to that, over and over. I knew that. I know that. She reminded me, "That's where it all starts. And I know that will lead to knowledge that the church is true. I don't know how or when, but I promise it will."

Because I only joined the church a year ago, I'd only ever been to Primary once. The bishop told me I could attend Primary before I began teaching to observe and learn how it works a little bit. So today, I attended Sharing Time, the hour with all the children combined, rather than in their separate classrooms. Since it's the last week of the month, the music leader did a fun countdown of the kids' favorite Primary songs. That was so, so wonderful. Leaving Primary, I was again confident that this would be a good thing.

After church, a member of the bishopric found me a gave me a special blessing to begin my calling. This, also, was a great relief and reminder to me. I felt confident in m abilities and God's trust in me to perform this service. This is the Lord's work, and I'm grateful that He trusts me to be a small part of it.

Well, here goes! Primary it is!

(source)

Freedom and Agency

"Do what is right; let the consequence follow.

Battle for freedom in spirit and might;

And with stout hearts look ye forth till tomorrow.

God will protect you; then do what is right!"

"Do What is Right," LDS Hymnbook

(source)

I've been thinking a lot lately about the concept of freedom, and specifically freedom in Christ. What does this mean?

It's important to understand what Christ brings freedom from. It's sin. Sin is what chains us down and makes us slaves. Satan "is seeking to hurl away [our] souls down to everlasting misery and endless wo" (Helaman 7:16). As one speaker said in our sacrament meeting, "Satan is not your friend."

When we sin, we let the devil into our hearts. And when we sin again, we let him stay, have a drink, put his feet up, and eventually make residence - "he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance. Yea, they are grasped with death, and hell" (2 Nephi 28:22). And, he is sticky. He doesn't like to leave. If we let him into our hearts, he won't leave. We can't kick him out. We don't have that power. Then, we have his evil, lying, deceptive voice in our heart, tempting us to do evil constantly.

When Christ performed the atonement, He broke those bands. He released us from the shackles from the devil.

When we accept Christ as Savior, when we exercise faith, and repent, feel godly sorrow for those sins, when we know that what we have done doesn't match up to our divine nature and potential - He can cleanse us. "Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool" (Isaiah 1:18). Christ kicks the devil out. He can beat the adversary, because the devil never entered into Christ. Christ, the perfectly righteous man, is the only one qualified to get the devil out.

When that happens, when the devil leaves, we become free again. We are not trapped by the adversary living inside us. We can choose again. We can move forward, choosing to do good.

The freedom that Christ offers us is not freedom to do whatever we want. It's freedom that allows us to "shake off the chains with which ye are bound, and . . . arise" (2 Nephi 1:23). It's the freedom that breaks the grasp of the devil and allows us to "choose liberty and eternal life" (2 Nephi 2:27). When God says, "Ye are free to choose" (2 Nephi 10:23), He means the hold of our sins has been lifted and we are free to run towards Him.

So let's do that. Since our chains are broken, let's run to Him, as fast as we can, choosing righteousness and obedience all the days of our lives.

A prayer in the Methodist hymnal includes this line, which I love: "Free us for joyful obedience, through Jesus Christ our Lord." Joyful obedience. Not grudging or spiteful obedience, but joyful obedience. Imagine what would happen if you thought of the "can't" of the gospel as "cans" - when you say "no" to something of the world, you're saying "yes" to letting the Holy Spirit fill your life up more. Don't be upset when you can't do something "fun," be joyful that you're saying "no" to the devil and "yes" to our Eternal Father.

"Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves—to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life."

2 Nephi 10:23

On Making Mistakes

I believe that God loves us more than we can fathom.

I believe that God always does what's best for us.

I believe that God is very patient with us, because I know I've made a lot of mistakes - but He's given me another chance by waking me up today. He is so patient with us.

(source)

Recently, I have been having a lot of trouble with my perfectionism, beating myself up for the smallest things and convincing myself that this one tiny mistake is the end of me. Something that has given me a lot of comfort is a principle that was emphasized to me by the Holy Ghost at my Church meetings last weekend.

That principle which has comforted me is this: Mistakes are not just accounted for by the Atonement, mistakes are not just understood by God, or even just expected. Mistakes are a vital part of the Plan of Happiness.

God did not send us down here grudgingly, saying, "Fall as few times as possible. Get back with as few scars as you can." No. He was not merely aware of the reality that we would fall. I think He excitedly looked toward the day when He could see us fall - and help us back up. He knew that the only way we could go up was by first going down. There can be no growth without mistakes. He wants us to grow, therefore He planned for mistakes. Mistakes are part of the Plan.



Now, I'm not saying that we should use this as an excuse to make as many mistakes as we can during our tenure in mortality. I'm saying that mistakes are allowed and planned - that's why there's and Atonement. So that we have the freedom to try things that don't work. That's why there's an Atonement. We don't have to stress about getting everything right the first time - because we won't. "Perfection doesn't exist on this side of eternity." That's why there's an Atonement. Remember, the Atonement does not just bring us back to pre-fall status - it elevates us. Then, we gain a little more strength to move forward and do better. Maya Angelou said, "I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better." When you know better, do better.

~ ~ ~

Live in the freedom that Christ offers. Freedom to try your best, fail, and try again, growing closer to perfection each time. Move up. Move down and up. Move. Don't stay still for fear of falling, because then you'll never be lifted. 

Learn more about how the Atonement can strengthen and empower us to get back up and try again, I suggest Elder Oaks' talk, "Strengthened by the Atonement of Christ." 

Building a Celestial Family: Part 4

Invite the Holy Ghost

We owe our families the kind of relationship we can take into the presence of God. . . . We can determine to forgive quickly and fully. We can try to seek the happiness of others above our own. We can be kind in our speech. As we try to do all these things, we will invite the Holy Ghost into our families and into our lives.

Henry B. Eyring, First Counselor in the First Presidency (source)

One thing that's really great about commandments and counsel is that they are always accompanied by blessings. In this case, President Eyring testified that as we try to forgive, seek the hapiness of our family members, and be kind, we invite the Holy Ghost. That's beautiful! I'd like to break this promise into two parts and examine it a little more.

First, I'd like to talk about the actual blessing: the Holy Ghost will come into our families. That's pretty great. Don't we all want the Holy Ghost in our families and homes? The peace it brings, the understanding, the love? Our homes are to be a sacred and safe place. They can't be that unless we have the Holy Ghost in them. We need the Holy Ghost in our lives and in our homes. The Lord promises, through President Eyring, that He will send the Holy Ghost as we follow this counsel. If we knew that the Holy Ghost would come as a result our our forgiveness, our sacrifice, and our kind words, how much more eager would we be to do these things? Can we forgive more? Can we sacrifice for our family members? Can we be more kind in our speech? (Hint: Yes.) So let's make that a goal, me and you. To be more kind and forgiving. Today.

The other part: "As we try to do these things." The Lord doesn't expect perfection. And that is a beautiful thing. He's not saying, once you're perfectly forgiving, perfectly sacrificing, perfectly kind, then I'll send the Holy Ghost. No. He says, "Just try, and I'll send my Spirit to help you. Just try." When we try, when we put forth any effort into this, He send the Holy Ghost and multiplies what we can do. And isn't that great! We need the Holy Ghost to be perfectly forgiving. We try, and He helps. We try seek the happiness of our family members above our own, and He helps. We try to be kind, and He helps. He sends that Holy Ghost as we try to do these things. And, oh, it is wonderful.


So, as I finally conclude this series, I challenge you to try take President Eyring's counsel to heart. Try to be a little more forgiving, try to seek the happiness of your family members, try to speak kind words. And I, next to President Eyring, testify that the Holy Ghost will come into your heart and your home.



This post is part of a series entitled "Building a Celestial Family." Missed the beginning? Find them here: Intro, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3.